Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

ADD, ADHD, HowieF, Old LJ Friends Roll Call, and Breaking Up With Kevin Costner

"Creativity is Impulsivity Gone Right" -- Driven to Distraction

I just saw this on an Attention Deficit Disorder board and it feels so right and is making me feel better, just these few words, the thought that I can channel my impulsivity into something positive. I've known this and when I do it I can really soar, but I tend to forget that I can.

I have ADD or ADHD and am so fuzzy and easily distracted. I am well meaning and big hearted and I want so badly to be able to do all of the things that so called "normal" people seem to be able to do so easily. Like keeping up with my friends on Live Journal, for instance. I think it's harder for me than it is for other people.

I sign on, I dutifully go to my friends list to catch up with my many pals here and the next thing I know I'm off on a journal hopping adventure that takes me so far afield it's four in the morning before I even realize how much time has sped by. Then I find I've only read back through about three of my friends journals because I followed so many of their links to interesting new people, places, and communities. And there's just no way I can harness my focus enough to do what I set out to do in the first place, which is to keep up with the people I've already added to my list and who deserve my attention and time.

I did this last night and I'm paying for it today. I'm so sick and the last thing I should have been doing is bopping around LJ land until four in the morning when I have three hundred and eleven unanswered e-mails in just this one box, piles of snail mail, boxes of things to list on eBay when I am so poor, and tons of undone errands. If I'm not going to get any of this done, I should be in bed trying to recover some energy and my health, sheesh.

I've had people, particularly my parents, teachers, and my ex-husband tell me I just need to buckle down and apply some self discipline. Unless you have some experience with what it feels like to be like this, or have a child who has it, it's really hard to understand what it's like for those of us who have it or are affected by it.

Sadly, and just like with Fibromyalgia, another wee challenge I have, a lot of people tend to write off the diagnosis as being the latest pop shrink excuse. But in my case I know it isn't. I'm finally coming to terms with the reality of this and it's challenging and confrontive and I don't like it, but I'm dealing with it as best I can.

I am trying so hard to improve. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. I am trying behavioral techniques, asking for support from friends, and learning that this is real and it is challenging and it's hard for me to talk about, particularly hard because the one person who you'd think I ought to be able to count on for support, the only surviving member of my original nuclear family, my Mom, doesn't believe I have this, doesn't even believe it exists, and thinks it's just an excuse for what she calls "my laziness." I even think Beau may have it. I'd like to know if my birth family has it, to see if I can trace this back genetically, but they don't want to have anything to do with me, "Enjoy the family I gave you and leave mine alone, " is the last communication I received from my birth mother, and on my birthday as well. Luh...uhhhhhh...vely.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm forgetful, spacey, and so easily distracted -- if the reason I find it so incredibly hard to do simple chores and stay on task -- is because I took the diet pills Phen/Fen and Pondamin for so long. They sure affected my memory and the short term recall abilities of all of the many people I would talk to at my weight loss clinic, including the nurses and doctors who were all on it as well. We all used to joke about it because they would have to ask me several times to repeat things to write in my chart because they couldn't remember whatever it was they were supposed to write down -- my weight or my blood pressure or even something I had just said, and it didn't seem like such a big deal at the time because they promised us that our memories would return to normal once we got off the pills, but they didn't. I took these pills for two years or more and am so lucky I don't have the heart valve problems that went along with long term use of these drugs.

Sometimes I think it's from the anti-depressants I take, (Effexor). Sometimes, a lot of the time really, I just blame myself and think if I could just go to bed earlier and get up earlier, eat better, exercise more, be more military like in disciplining myself, I would be able to stay more focused and get more done, and not do the crazy compulsive things I so often do, like shop until my credit cards are teetering on the brink of immolation. But then I remember that I've been like this my entire life, way before the pills, when I was little and had so much energy that teachers didn't know what to do with me.

OMG look what my friend Howie sent me to see, a baby panda live cam at the San Diego Zoo. It's so unbelievably cute. You should go to Howie's journal and befriend him. He's the nicest man and one of my favorite people here on Live Journal. He's definitely one of the very few people who I've been brave enough to speak with over the phone.

I've never written about this before, because I was worried that people might take advantage of his kind nature but, (he's a big guy, he can take care of himself, and I think it's time he gets the credit he derves), he does these incredibly generous things out of the blue for his pals. He hardly even knew me when suddenly and for no reason at all that I could discern, I mean I have no idea what I did to deserve this, he bought me a permanent account with Live Journal, back when they were offering them. He's done other really generous and kind things for me as well. Like today he called, (and this is after I have been a completely shitty LJ friend to him, those of you who have been here for more than a few months will know exactly what I'm talking about, She means well but she doesn't keep up with our journals and that's just not right,) to tell me that a gift he had bought for Beau THREE YEARS AGO had bounced back to him from my PO box. He had asked us what Beau would like to sponsor at the Long Beach aquarium and Beau picked a leafy sea dragon, but even though Howie has been paying for this all this time, we haven't been getting the kits because I forgot to give Howie my box number and without that the guys at Mailboxes Etc. don't know what to do with something that comes addressed to Beau and not to me. I've remedied this by giving Howie my home address, (which I should have done in the first place but I'm shy and careful), and adding Beau's name to the PO Box. I have to remember to always include the actual box number when I give out the address, duh. Anyway I love Howie, I love ya man, so I thought I should say this publically.

BTW who here has been a friend on my journal for the longest, or which of you are my oldest, and most long suffering journal friends? I need to know this so I can try to find some way to make it up to you. Not that I don't love my new pals, I just want to make ammends somehow. And... that's just great I just tried to take a sip out of the back of a spoon thinking it was a straw and bashed my tooth, lovely.

Oh and I've had to completely give up my, maybe someday Kevin Costner will find me and fall in love with me because I am so special, fantasy, and not just because I'm already in a relationship or because he has a fiance, or the likelihood of my ever meeting him or his falling in love with me is zilch, but because he's really into fishing and I just couldn't be with someone who would need me to kill things. I'm sorry Kevin, I put up with your leaving your terrific first wife to fuck around and date younger women, the thinning of your hair, and the hubris of making Waterworld and the Postman, but after seeing your gorgeous Adirondack home in the latest copy of Architectural Digest, and reading about what a sporty outdoorsman you are, well, I can see we're just not a match. Not that I don't love the outdoors, don't get me wrong, I really really do, I just don't want to kill things, bring them into the house, and eat them. I'm weird that way, I know.

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