Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Halloween Art, Angelina Jolie, Father Pain and More Adoption Blathering.

I'm sorry I just couldn't resist, look at this one, isn't it awesome? I love this artist's work. Maybe because I am so nuts about Halloween and her pieces are so very much like the vintage postcards I collect.

I wanted to make an Angelina Jolie Halloween something or other to put up today but I just don't have the time. I've been thinking about her because her new movie, Beyond Borders, opens tomorrow. I think it's kind of a big Freudian slip that I've been calling it Without Borders for about a week now and had to correct it here in this entry. I'm the one without borders, or I used to be, now maybe I have too many in some areas and not enough in others.

Anyway, I love her and I just don't think "they" are using her properly. She needs to get her own production company or team together so they, (in this case her own buddies who really get her), can harness her fire and capitalize on her creative spirit. I think Hollywood is turning her into a Barbie version of herself and trying to tame her dark spirit. I haven't seen her do anything as fabulous as Gia and Girl Interrupted since well, Girl Interrupted. Not that I don't respect all the work and effort she puts into her projects, especially Tomb Raider, I just don't like the gloss and I'd rather see her amazing acting work without all the glamour and polish. Nevertheless she's gifted, kind, and beautiful, so I'll see anything she's in, no matter how commercial it may be, and I have a sneaking suspicion Beyond Borders may be more like her latest films, despite good intentions, but I hope I'm wrong.

My Aunt Jani called me today and was really supportive and kind on the phone. I had thought she hated me there for a while and been poisoned against me by my Mom's need to express her upset about me to her closest friends. She told me that she wanted me to know that she thinks everyone is born with a hole, a little dark hole that they need to fill, and that some people's hole may be bigger than others. In my case she said that she thinks because my Adoptive Dad was so cold and removed and absent, even though he was often there in the house, that I have a bigger hole than some people. Then she mentioned how my adoption adds to this and she had never even heard that my birth mother told me that my Birth Father is a horrible evil rapist man and she will never reveal his identity to me or tell me anything about the circumstances of my conception.

I never even got to the part about his possibly being Tommy the Salami, (he liked salami so the people at the homeless shelter gave him this nickname), the alcoholic bum who was never able to commit to anything, not a wife, or a home, or a career of any kind, who lived in a shelter, and volunteered at the soup kitchen, who had to speak through a hole in his throat and eventually died of throat cancer. My Birth Mother says this was not my Father but my cousin gave me this name and I tracked him down by all of the biographical information in the records I got from Sacramento. When I asked my B. Mom about this she just said, "You're misinformed," or "You don't have your story straight."

The only other possibility is that he could be a man from a wealthier family than hers was, who was a complete bastard to her, slept with her and dumped her just when she needed him the most, in order to marry another woman right at the time when my Mother was having me. That's the story my Adoptive Mother is convinced is the only true one, because she remembers the newspaper article the nurse showed her when I was born, a wedding announcement with a picture of the man who was purportedly my Father and I'm sure she doesn't want to wish the rape Dad, or the homeless alcoholic bum Dad, on me.

It would be easier for both of us to think he might have been an incredibly selfish and immature man who in the intervening years may have grown up and matured. He might be someone I could possibly meet and have a relationship with. Who knows, maybe he regrets what he did to my Birth Mother, but we'll never know unless I get the detective and go after this. It's just all so painful and challenging and I don't even have the energy to run a DNA test with the surviving members of Tommy the Salami's family, something I should do to at least be able to rule him in or out.

Whatever the case, Jani's right, all of this leaves a great big gaping wound right at the center of my being. So it's no wonder I picked an emotionally removed and remote, actually more like emotionally retarded man, to marry and have a child with, someone who could never give me a normal life or normal love, but who would always hold himself at a distance and love me with complete ambivalence bordering on indifference.

God why did I have to go there? I guess because I answered the phone and Jani took me here. I just never knew that she understood or cared. She even started to cry. Wow. I really tend to miss it when people care about me, I thought she hated me. Blah, off I go...

Oh wait, did I mention how happy I was that Bob booted that nasty manipulative ego monster Leeann off of The Bachelor last night? I was so floored and happy that he denied her da rose. Yeay! Right on Bob! I was beginning to think he was nuts for not being able to see through her like everyone else could. "So do I get a ten?" "Don't I look terrific tonight?" "Bob's mine! We would make a fabulous couple. I am going to get the roses and the ring." Yuck!

Oh and I may have the Paypal problem licked, they just need me to fax in some information so we'll see what happens.

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