Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

I'm too tired to write or update my links and upload images but I want to. My pet rats are snacking, nibbling on seeds and fruit and cleaning themselves. I love the little sounds they make around me here in the office.

I was really happy to be watching The Osbournes tonight. I love them all so much and miss them when the show is off the air -- repeats just don't cut it after a certain point. I loved the giant golden Buddha they put in their back yard. I still dream of somehow being invited on the show, Sharon's show. The gals in my therapy group thought that this is a kind of lofty goal for me to have but they don't know me yet, don't know how much I can achieve when I set my mind to it. They said, "Why do you have to aim so high. It's hard to win the affection of a celebrity. We're here and we like you, why don't you start with us?"

I've been spending lots of time with my friend Atra and her family. I can't resist.

Beau is being tutored and seeing an educational therapist.

Third Watch is on the TV -- a crazy woman is chasing the paramedics down a hallway with a cleaver screaming, "Give me back my baby." She doesn't have one.

I need sleep. Beau woke me up this morning at six am asking me where the markers were because he needed them to do the homework he told me all weekend and yesterday that he didn't have to do.

We threw another mini party for one of Irma's kids, Jacqui, tonight. I bought three pretty pink dresses at Bloomingdales, a little cuddly dog, a few other things, a cheesecake and some ice cream and little candies and cookie hearts for the kids. Last week it was Rosa's birthday, this week it's Jacqui's. I felt sad as we all sat around the dining room table singing Happy Birthday first in English and then in Spanish -- sad that this would be the last birthday we would all be celebrating together and sad for Irma's three youngest children's Dad who has been sober for six months now, but who has no idea they will be packing up and leaving him for Boston in a month.

I don't like being part of this. I feel complicit in knowing their secret -- standing by and watching him fight for his family, trying to win Irma back, without the slightest notion that she has agreed to marry her first husband and will be taking this man's three kids so far away from him that he won't be able to see them anymore unless he follows them and that's not likely. I worry he'll start drinking but I want Irma to be happy. I don't think parents should take their kids away from each other. I think her first husband should be the one to do the moving but it isn't my decision, it isn't my life. I try to let it go. It's so hard and the sense of impending loss is so acute. I worry whether we'll ever be able to find someone as honest, trustworthy, and loving as Irma, but I know that everything unfolds as it's meant to. People come in and out of our lives and I just do whatever I can to help the ones who are here when they're here and even after if they'll let me.

It just sucks, this never ending quest for family, the building up and breaking down of little temporary family groups. It hardens you after a while. I'm starting to worry Atra and Arta will pack it in and head back to Iran. Should I let myself love them when I might lose them or they might hurt me? Yes, even though everything is a risk, everything is scary. I think I need to take my lesson from Tim who was so much bolder than I was in college and who is now on his way to winning an Academy Award, my life's greatest dream. Funny that something so shallow should be my life's dream.

I bought a pink and black St. John's Knits jacket today. It was on sale and had been marked down twice. I swear I'm turning into my Mother.

Anyway I've rambled enough for one night. I've got to get some sleep because Beau wants me to come see his play tomorrow which is early, darn it, but I'll go. It's called Buddha Walks, coincidentally enough.

Big loving late night hugs,

Oh I just remembered something funny that I feel a bit shy to share. I was ordering something over the phone today and we were just about done when I let out the loudest longest fart of all time. I can't believe I'm writing this, I'm super uptight about anything butt related, but anyway I farted, like we all do but aren't supposed to talk about, and I had no idea it was going to be so loud and wild and I was just so embarrassed because the gal on the phone sort of paused for a second and then went on. I was mortified.

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