Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

I think this is a fair representation of my week. Bunny experiences MORBID INTROSPECTION by V. Milovic.

I have been logging in less and less these days and I miss it; I miss you. I've been going through so many changes and I see this reflected in the world around me, in my family and friends and in the world at large, birth and death, people changing jobs, moving, things coming to an end and new things beginning. It's interesting, exciting, scary and sad, and stressful on a super sensitive gal's nervous system.

I'd been worried about my dearly missed friends who recently moved to Madrid, worried that my friend Kippy might take the train to work in the mornings or that maybe Maryanne takes the kids to school but I finally got in touch with his very hard of hearing mother, (who I've always liked, despite my thinking she dislikes me for some reason, God only knows, my being adopted, my having been so fat, my living off of my family's money, whatever,) and we managed to shout back and forth and convey the message that I was concerned about them and that they were all well but obviously upset.

I love Spain. I adore Spain and would like to have a home there or at least be able to visit once in a while. I lived there for a few months when I was in high school and studied Spanish literature at a university there in Salamanca. I also saw The Rocky Horror Show staged as a play in Madrid, all in Spanish, what a trip. All those songs we all know by heart sung in Spanish; men in garter belts and fishnet stockings. This is a long way from bombings and tragedy -- maybe I need for it to be.

I have been so busy, in between hunting for things for my little antique mall case, polishing them up and pricing them, grieving the loss of Irma and her kids, adjusting to a new person, Eunice, trying to teach her how to take care of us while being kind and loving and coming to know her, teaching another new woman, (Anna), how to take care of my elderly, demanding and difficult, although nevertheless adored and idolized mother, in the face of Mom's very competitive and obviously threatened weekly housekeeper, Rosa, who is putting out her claws and ruffling up her feathers like a frightened Macaw, interning for a gifted, successful, and yes famous interior design star, while trying to define what my role and boundaries will be in her life and kind of going with the flow in donating my time as an intern and a new friend, waiting out this Sharon Osbourne Extreme Makeover Thing, trying to get a knitting business going with my friend Atra, needing to get my butt out to the yard to sort through all of the junk and finally set up the garage/studio before the rats move back in, taking care of all of my beloved son's needs; his teeth, his stinky feet, keeping his room clean and organized, getting him to and from our wonderful tutor friend, Mrs. Copeland, organizing and going to this parent/teacher/tutor/educational psychologist meeting together on Tuesday for Beau's school so they won't kick him out, (All the private school's in LA are becoming impossibly demanding, they start out being touchy feely Waldorfy and then as soon as they get linked in and start getting enough students, (and money), they turn their backs on the ones who are special and need a bit of care, I'm telling you, it's bad, Nicholas Cage couldn't even get his son into my son's school, with what he could bring to the party in terms of money and creative aid to say nothing of the cache of having him there, and they can't find a place for him? Well, you can see what we're up against,), trying to figure out my money problems, keeping enough food and essentials in the house when I'm feeling more broke than ever, keeping the animals healthy, fighting this never ending virus they all keep passing back and forth to each other and always wondering where the money for the next vet bill is going to come from, visiting Atra and her family so they won't feel unloved, etc., etc., etc., and trying to find the time and energy to feel romantic and sexual for my partner, well, it's been a crazy time. Any ideas?

The TV show we taped here in my house for HGTV's Country Style or Living or whatever it is, is going to come out in April and I want to get a website together in time to promote some sales in my space and on eBay. I need to kind of coordinate the publicity to maximize my opportunities. I was so tired that day when we taped the show that I'm afraid I'll come off really stiff and amateurish when really, considering the life I've led and the acting training I've had, being what's basically a spokesmodel for interior design should be like Julia Child's taking a piece of white bread popping it in a toaster and saying, "Voila, there I've made some toast." But I was sleep deprived, I'm a perfectionist, and I don't have a clue how I'll come off. They won't send us an aircheck or a copy until after it airs. We won't even know the air date until just a week before when they'll send us a little card in the mail. That's just the way it's done.

I so wish I could fluff up all of these house design and vintage styling ideas into some kind of money making opportunity. It would mean so much to me and Beau and everyone, my Mother especially, if I could get off of her money train and make my own way again. I know it sounds lazy but I just don't want to go back to the typical eight to six, (whoever coined the phrase nine to five really set us all up for serious disappointment), cubical slave treadmill, it feels like death to me, and how ridiculous would it be for me to wind up earning just what I pay my housekeepers to stay here and have an easier time of it looking after Beau and the pets. I mean just yesterday Esther strolled in at eleven thirty said she was starving and headed straight for the kitchen, if she hadn't been fighting with her sister, Lord knows how many phone call breaks she would have taken. I love her and I can tell she put forth a little more effort today but really sometimes I wonder why I don't just do it all myself and pay myself the seven hundred a week that I'm paying them, but then I think about how badly I want to get back out there and be an actor again and how much cat shit there is to clean up and I get over it pretty quickly.

Well, I can feel the Ambien and the Melatonin kicking in big time and I wonder if I'm making much sense here so I think I'll drag my weary ass off to bed and cuddle up with the kitties. I so owe you pictures and promise to put them up soon. Tomorrow I've got to go to the bank and price some things for my store and fluff it up a bit and move things around there. I really love being there but the hard thing for me is that I wind up wanting to buy everything, sigh, oh well.

Two people treated me really shabbily this week and it hurt a lot. One person lied about me and took advantage of a situation to further her own evil, twisted, scheming, machinations, and the other person took advantage of my kindness in a greedy, creepy, hurtful way. I'm trying not to think about it, to take the negative thoughts and fragments of anger and hurt in my mind and turn them around into positive affirmations. Taking thoughts like, "I'm a wimp," (straight from Mom -- thanks Mom), "Someone is actively undermining me. She lies about me and betrays me." "People will take advantage of me and my kind heart," and changing them to "I am strong and protected," "I am loved, valued and appreciated," "It's her drama, not mine," "I'm staying out of this," "I'm above this," "My Mother loves me no matter what," is super helpful. I know it sounds woo woo New Age California-ish, but it's helping me. Whatever works right?

My therapist gave me this sweet CD that has this kind of mellow bland massage room music on it and several voices saying, "I love you," "I love you," "I love you," over and over and over on it. Two hours of I love Yous to fall asleep or meditate to. I like it. Last night I had to decide whether to listen to the mushy, new-agey, I Love You CD, or the scary, world is ending, Coast to Coast, Am radio stuff, and went for the former. I think it was a good choice even though I dreamed that I was basically enslaving myself sexually to an unattractive, balding, impotent, Hollywood studio head.

Love you guys -- Hope you're all happy and well,
Your pal, Jacqui

''Bunny, Being Followed By Fear, Regret And Demons Of The Past, Hangs His Head And Cries'' -- V. Milovic

And this one is delicious but it's even bigger so I'll put it behind the cut, "Kitty and bunny go on a bender."

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