This is one of my best friends in all the world, Sparkle. He died sometime today. Esther, found him with his tail and a leg sticking out from under my bed. We don't know what happened. I am so tortured and grief stricken. I've been crying off and on for hours. Finally I grabbed every pain and anxiety medicine I could think of and downed them to blot out the pain. It hasn't worked, I just feel thick and stoned, sick and heart broken.
Who will ever understand how special this little slightly crossed eyed man was?
No more fetch. No more saving the little plastic ring that comes around the neck of the Snapple bottles. No more snaggle teeth. No more pawing my face when he knows I'm sad or just wants me to pet him. No more sharing my cheese. No more Sparkle. There will never ever be another cat like him. I want to die.
This is Sparkle and his only littermate, his brother Twinkle, and Sparkle's babies. They were baby-sitting the kittens while the mommies were off taking a break.
What happened? Why? Cats don't just drop dead like this without any warning. What does this say about our new housekeeper Ana and Esther? We've been gone for close to a week. Did Esther just breeze in and out without really checking in on everyone because she likes to do this when I'm away? Did she miss something that I would have seen that would have caused me to rush him to the vet? Is Anna too simple minded, inexperienced and overwhelmed to notice when someone isn't doing well. This never ever would have happened if Irma had been there. All I feel is loss, loss, and more loss, and yet in the midst of this there is always the grace of faith. Faith that I am grateful to the Sisters of the Sacred Heart of Mary for laying the seeds inside my heart that carry me through every one of these terrible losses. Faith that everything happens for a reason no matter how fucked up and painful it is.
Here is a picture of sweet little Tea Tea. I'm still so sad about her dying, but we knew she was living on borrowed time. We just kept hoping there was some way we'd be able to keep this sickly little midget cat going until she could get strong enough to thrive on her own. Our vets made us feel better by saying they'd never seen anyone work as hard or sacrifice as much as we had for her. Hearing that they felt we'd done everything we could and more for her helped ease the pain of losing her, but with Sparkle just dying alone and without my being there, I'm just torn up and wracked with guilt.
Oh God my beloved Sparkle. Not even the death of our dear little Tea Tea who we fought night and day for, for almost a year, compares to the hurting of this. And all my Mother could dredge up by way of empathy was, "It's just one cat, you have plenty more. Now stop crying, get dressed and get ready for dinner." When she found me later, lying on my bed and sobbing she got angry and tried to shame me out of it by saying, "I'd understand if you were someone who had just one cat or just one dog, but to be crying over one cat when you have fifty is just nuts." Good old Mom. It's not enough that I have to ache for the familiar comfort of my sleek little black friend, I get to yearn for the comfort of a Mother's love as well. Thank God Scott was able to talk to me for a little while and Beau tried to be kind. He said, "Mom, imagine that I could say the most comforting thing in all the world to you right now and then pretend I did that okay?" I told him I just wanted him to hug me and tell me he was sorry and that he understood how much I hurt, so he did.
There will never ever be another Sparkle. He was unique and wonderful from the moment he was born, special to me from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I will never get over the loss of his companionship and there had better be a heaven out there somewhere where we will someday get to reunite with our loved ones when we die or I will feel so betrayed and ripped off by life.