Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

HGTV's Country Style, Pinky Rat, Irma, Stress and Basics, Kabbalah and Dinner for Five

Hey Gang, One of the two episodes of Country Style that we shot months ago is finally going to be on. This episode is called Farm Fresh Kitchens and will air this Saturday Night the 15th at 7:30. You'll have to check your local cable listings to find out what channel carries HGTV in your area. Irma and the kids will be watching in Boston.

The next episode I'll be on is called Dining With Collections and will air May 26 at 7:30 PT & ET as well, at least that's what they tell me, but I don't see this on the schedule. I'll let you know more when I'm more certain.

I have no idea how it's going to turn out because they never release copies to you prior to the air date.

I hate not being able to see something before it airs -- before I tell friends to watch it. The whole thing felt so artificial and corny and I was so sleep deprived that I'm pretty certain this won't be an example of me at my best. I worry I'll seem stiff and silly like a lot of people do on these shows, but you forgive them because you know they're nervous 'cause they aren't actors, but I am so we'll see.

This is just common practice with these kinds of shows, (not providing copies prior to the air or print date), and with magazines as well. I never got a copy of this really interesting interview show that I did for my pal ana, I think it was called Women of the Net and I think we shot it for A&E. It was all about women who were pioneering life/art on the web using cams. They interviewed Ana and then they did a lengthy interview with me. They came to my home with a crew and asked me a million questions about how I discovered her, how we came to be friends, what the experience of getting to know her via a web cam was like, how I felt about her, what was it like to be a fan and feel like a friend at the same time, because the medium is more interactive than watching television, and so on.

I was such a good interview subject -- said so many positive things about anawee and cam art in general and I was really hoping to get a copy of this and see it air. However, not only did they shelve the whole project, (apparently there was another producer who had shot a similar project to the one we were on and since he had seniority they dumped ours in favor of his), but they never gave either of us copies, even though I nagged and begged the producer for years afterwards.

For those of you who aren't actors, getting copies of anything you do on tape is vital for your career. Everyone has to have a demo reel of their most current work. A demo tape or reel is this very short, three to five minute promo of yourself on a tape or a DVD. It's no longer good enough to just have a headshot and a resume, you've got to have this tape of your work. A lot of actors will work and do things for free just to get tape of themselves, so one of the bonuses, for me, of doing any of this kind of interview work, is that I can get tape of myself and add it to this reel I've been working on forever. It's extremely common for actors to agree to work for someone in exchange for tape and find themselves chasing after producers for years trying to get a copy of their work. Well, it's common when you're working for non union programs. With major shows this isn't a problem. Anyway, I haven't seen the show yet, so it's all a mystery to me as to how it will turn out, but I wanted to tell you about it anyway.

I just had to tell Irma that Pinky, (our favorite fuzzy pink rat friend), died. We're on the phone right now, I had to call her to tell her about the upcoming television show because we were all in it together. Irma, her kids, Beau and me. Pinky died Monday and I haven't been able to face telling her. She's crying so hard right now and I feel so bad for her. She loved him so much. : ( It's weird though, I don't know whether it's all the pain medication I've been taking or something else, but I've suddenly developed this kind of thick skin of denial. I keep seeing Sparkle in his babies, and I can just see Pinky in my mind as if he were still here. I've never been able to do this before, hold the memory of the person or animal friend I've lost, in my mind, and take any comfort from it. But now, suddenly, I've developed the ability to do this. It's comforting and helpful somehow. Being able to call my lost friend into my mind's eye for a moment, makes them seem like they're still here in the house with me. It takes some of the pain away and makes my grieving for them seem unnecessary, weird.

My gum above my tooth is in really bad shape. I've never had an abscessed tooth before and it's painful and kind of scary. I am trying to avoid taking a pain pill so I can actually get some things done around here but it really hurts. I've done everything I can think of to take care of it and myself so I just have to hang in here until tomorrow when hopefully they'll pull the tooth and tell me I'm not dying. When I woke up this morning with a stiff jaw I kind panicked and let my mind run wild with worries of staph infections and all kinds of scary things but I'm feeling a little better now. Plus, I'm eating a salad right now and compulsive eaters/food addicts are always happier when they're eating.

I'm such a baby with some things and super brave with others. I actually took an X-acto knife, sterilized it, and lanced the damned thing open myself yesterday. I may have to do it again today. Are you freaking out? Hey, at least I'm not as bad as that poor woman who was removing her tonsils a little bit at a time using a manicuring scissors while looking in the bathroom mirror, or that other man who wanted his arm or leg amputated so he could have a prosthetic that would allow him to get around better, and he was raising money by selling tickets to watch him cut it off live on the Internet. I wonder whatever happened to him.

I'm frustrated with myself because I seem to have gone from one crisis to the other for as far back as I can remember -- the last months being especially stressful, with Irma leaving and Eunice, our new housekeeper, being in league with some guy who tried to extort ten thousand dollars from us, then having the cops here, helping Scott clean out his Dad's condo only to wind up herniating a disc in my spine, at the same time that Beau sprained his back, and now this dental stuff. It never seems to come to an end and I so need to just take some time off and get my footing, just do some of the basics so I have a steady foundation to work from.

Yesterday I took the day off and stayed in bed just doing really simply basic things that I had been putting off for ages -- cleaning out my wallet and organizing my purse and makeup bags. It took me all day. I was telling Scott about this yesterday -- that I needed to just stop and work on my foundation, and then I realized that I was sounding like Ruth, the mother on Six Feet Under, when she was going to that EST like group and constantly speaking in metaphors about houses. Foundations, metaphorical houses, mad women in attics -- we laughed.

Speaking of cult like groups, I was reading an article about The Kabbalah Center here in LA, the one Madonna, Demi, Britney and so many other celebs are flocking to lately, and it scared me off. I've been wanting to check this out for a couple of years now but as with most things I've procrastinated and now I'm wondering if it's even something I want to get involved with. It reminds me of Scientology, I'm fascinated by it while at the same time having this gut feeling that it's dangerous in some way.

I don't like organized religion as a rule and any group where there is one all important charismatic leader, where you are asked to tythe ten percent of everything you earn, or "give till it hurts," as this article alleges, is enough to scare me off.

I've been enjoying this show on IFC called Dinner for Five. It's hosted by John Favreau, (Swingers), and it's just the kind of show I like to watch -- five working artists sitting around, hopefully being themselves, talking about the entertainment business and letting us in a little bit. It has some of the elements that make watching The Actor's Studio on Bravo so much fun, but this is obviously lighter and well, funnier. I'd heard of it and been meaning to watch it and finally caught an episode the other night. Scott hadn't heard of it and I just know he'll like it so we're going to watch it together tomorrow night.

I've been gaining some of the weight back that I've lost. I knew this would happen at some point but it doesn't lessen the terror I feel about it and it feels too soon. I bought a little radio to take with me when I walk, and I went for a nice long walk tonight. At least I was doing something. Esther made enchiladas for us for dinner and I was able to eat most of them. They were delicious. Now that I've learned how to make them I can't believe how easy it is.

I'm definitely eating more than I was eating before, my sweet, weight loss, window of opportunity may have passed damnit. It was so easy before, I simply couldn't eat so there wasn't anything I could do about it. Eating = pain and vomiting, then little by little my stomach has stretched and now I can eat a little bit more, a little bit more eaten throughout the day adds up. The ride is over and it feels like I've reached the Zenith of this experience, it's a do or die kind of moment. I'm at a crossroads, a crossroads I've been to before but never been able to choose the right path. I've always gone down the wrong one, the easier one, the one that led to weight gain and poor health and depression.

This time I want to choose the right path. I've got to get serious and make everything I've been through stick, show myself and everyone else that I matter, and that I'm not going to give up and gain all of this weight back again. Please send me some energy and supportive vibes, I refuse to give up and surrender to my ravenous, compulsive overeating, inner she-beast -- that poor, hurting, hungry soul who never got fed emotionally, and learned to comfort herself with food instead of healthier and more appropriate things.

Beau has been invited to read some of his poetry at a Midnight Special reading next week. This is such an honor and I'm so happy for him. When I find out which ones he'll be reading I'll type them up and share them with you here.

He has a science fiction story that's due tomorrow but as usual he's waited until the very last second to begin working on it. As could be expected he left the disc that he stored his work on at his tutor's, but I was thinking ahead and asked her to make him print out a hard copy so that I would be able to type it up again for him just in case anything went wrong. He resisted this idea but Mrs. Copeland made him do it. Somehow he's managed to turn this around on me and make it my fault -- my asking him to print out the hard copy is the reason he left the disc behind, right, sigh.

We had a funeral for Pinky and buried him in the back yard under a tree this afternoon. The possums are getting bigger and cuter by the day. Atra's daughter's Siberian Hamsters mated and had six teeny little hamster babies. They are the size of one of my fingernails, so cute, but for whatever reason Guylan and Atra decided they needed to give them back to me so now we've got these cute little hamsters. Anyone want some? I gave away eighty percent of our bunnies and today I finally agreed to let this nice guy, who works for Petco, adopt my three beloved Ferrets. I think they'll have a better life with him, but I can't tell you how hard this decision has been for me. Not being someone who has ferrets, not being able to pick them up and cuddle them, to feel them licking my face, is hard and sad. I keep telling myself I can back out if I want to. Next up is Mr. Chinchilla and then I'm going to try to find good homes for our two big dogs. Giving away my animals is the hardest thing for me to do, but I'm running out of money, they're taking over the house and making it really hard for us to lead a normal life.

A weird thing happened to my pal Atra today. She had just dropped her son off at college this morning and was doing some shopping at the market when this crazy Latin man came up to her and insisted she let him repair this small dent she had on the front driver's side panel of her car. She told him that she didn't want him to do this and that her husband was going to take care of it, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He told her that it would cost five hundred dollars at a regular body shop and that he would only charge her a hundred.

She kept saying no but he wouldn't take no for an answer. While Atra got into her car, closed the doors and tried to roll up the windows, the man ran over to his car and came back with some tools. Poor Atra was so afraid of this man, she thought he was going to use this metal rod to break through the window and hit her, but instead he took his tools and started punching holes in her car and pulling at the dent. She told him to stop but he wouldn't listen. When he was done he'd left six really awful holes in her car and ruined the panel. Then he demanded that she pay him. She tried to refuse but he acted so aggressive, scary, and weird that she finally threw forty dollars and him and escaped.

Tomorrow hopefully I'll get this poor tooth pulled. I can't wait, seriously, I feel like some character out of an old Western movie who just wants someone, anyone to yank out the bad tooth. Wish me luck.

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