Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Hi Everybody, Here is a copy of a letter I wrote to Kim, who I think is a very cool gal, but I thought it kind of belongs here, behind the friends curtain, because I would rather people respond here in private than in public. I left the last post open on purpose so people can ask to be added to my friends list and while I may need to kind of ramble on for a bit about how raggedy this whole experience has left me, I want to do it far far away from abusive nature of whoever this person is who started all of this.

Hi Sweetie, I would really love to respond to this here in greater depth (of course knowing me I'll wind up rambling about it for a bit), but this is the only post I have purposely left unlocked for people, who aren't already friends on my list, to post in.

I respect and appreciate your opinion and advice. This was kindly and sensitively written. The problem here is that I am so double bound by all this drama, first I'm told to get up, "join the living," and do do do, insulted and put down while being given a prescription for all of these things that I should do to fix myself up, things I am already doing by the way, but if I continue to do them, guess who gets to take the credit? No matter, but this is the reason why I don't love your pointing out that I should take the good from the bad.

Nothing personal I swear, this is obviously the healthy choice here, and one I have already embarked on -- I always sift through the dirt for the gold, but this woman was sooooo hurtful, so mean in the way she handled all of this and so totally unwilling to be accountable for any of it, that I just don't want to talk about her openly in any way any more. I've made my entire journal friends only for this reason.

I have lost sleep for days over this. I am too sensitive to let this kind of stuff roll off my back. I am working on this like I am working on everything else in my life, but oh man does it hurt.

When they started digging in to my relationship with my son and my mom well, that was the final straw. There I was at four in the morning pouring my heart out in this stranger's journal, writing about how great my son is, even sharing a poem he wrote for me to prove this, and defending my relationship with my mom, explaining how much I do love her, everything I do for her, sharing personal details of our complicated financial arrangement, which is much more than what is being characterized as my constantly "putting my hand out", or thinking that the "world owes me a living" -- we're talking about her control over money that I have ALREADY inherited from my grandparents and my father. There I was listening to her trash me, calling my writings the "spew of an overactive Tomcat," referring to my father as my "dead dad," and then there were all of the anonymous posters going, "Right on man. I've been wanting to tell Jacqui just how screwed up I think she is for a long time. Good on you!" and all of the rest of this vortex of crap and I realized, I'm not the crazy one here. I am not insane, engaging in this is insane, and I'm done. So I deleted all of my posts to her, all of which were respectful, and came back over here and went private. After all these years. And now she's saying that out of respect for me she won't post all of my "letters," oh who cares, go ahead, I'm proud of them, I just deleted them because I wanted to disengage on her journal. I'll continue to work through this here for as long as I see fit, but I'd prefer to do it in private from here on out.

Anyway, I'll throw up another post and if you want we can continue to dialogue about this over there, I just seriously do not feel safe going into this any further here. I'm worried that Beau is going to engage in this since he was reading some of this over my shoulder while I was reading it to my friend Esther this morning and he freaked out.

"I do love you mom, I do have friends, I do participate in sports. If all I do is sit at my computer all day then how come I have a sunburn? This is so unfair, they are so screwed up, I'm going to let 'em have it. Give me the link."

He wants to go over there and clobber these people who are saying that he is beginning to "show signs" of becoming just like me, that my horrid example as a daughter is setting up his poor treatment of me. All because I need to rant, in my own journal God Damnit, whenever he isn't being wonderful. He's a friggin' teenager for God's sake, sheesh. Anyway when he gets into flame wars with people on line it gets really teenager ugly, he'll start swearing and being really mean and it'll make everything that I've been dealing with here look like a high tea with white gloves on. I asked him to please be respectful and not to swear, but I'm not going to stop him from expressing his feelings about any of this if he chooses to. So you can see how out of control all of this has gotten.

I just want to scream, "I am a good person. I am alive. I am a good mother. I do love my mom. I am walking. I am watching what I eat. I am working. I do have a job. I do take care of ALL of my pets. I am going to meetings. I'm not taking any sedating medications anymore..." But I know this is like a bad case of me thinks she doth protest too much and it's useless to try to elucidate people whose opinions are already formed and who cannot see that journals are just shadows and veils of the people who stand behind them. I may choose to write that my son hurt my feelings on mother's day, but forget to share the amazing poem he wrote to me, or the fact that he paged me every hour last night and in his cute little voice said, "Mommy! I love you!" They'd probably make something negative out of that somehow as well. This is the very reason why we can't read each other's journals and give them too much weight, think we know everything about the people who live behind them. I may say that I hate you today because I am angry, but tomorrow I will love you again and someone reading this might only read the former and miss the latter.

To sum up, yes, I can see the good despite the bad, yes I am working actively on all of these issues, and no I don't need bullies to come in here and shake up my world like some plastic snow globe to get me to do whatever they deem necessary for me to do so I can become some socially exemplary clone girl according to their prescription for health and happiness in what she so dispassionately calls, "an experiment in social engineering." Truthfully I think I know this person, I think she's or he is angry that I don't come out and play, and this was her weird way of trying to help me. I don't know, I'm so confused about all of this. Especially when people who also claim to have been reading my journal, who may be friends, pile on over there using the cloak of anonymity.

This has been more harmful than helpful, more damaging than healing, more confusing than clarifying, and it has made me doubt and suspect all of my friends, my mothering, my relationship with my own mother, my pets, my behavior and my sanity. I just want it all to go away so that I can go back to writing in my journal and feeling safe again. If I go for a stroll on my treadmill it won't be because she suggested it, sadly, the effect she has had on me is quite the opposite now, when I have an impulse to do something healthy, THAT I WAS ALREADY DOING, SHEESH, I am now stopping myself because I don't want her to be able to take credit for it. Can you imagine that? I won't let this last long though, don't worry.

Thank you for caring, really, but I just want to be left alone, allowed to grow at my own pace. When I want advice here, I will specifically ask for it, but as always I will continue to read and respond to the things that people have to say as long as they are said with a modicum of respect and kindness like you have done here.

Big loving hugs,

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