Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Just For Today I Brushed My Hair With a Fork

I'm feeling a bit better this morning -- a little less heartbroken and more like the long suffering survivor that I am. I am well aware of the fact that I take this all on myself, these are my choices that are biting me, but knowing this doesn't make the hurt any less, it just tempers it a bit.

I worked on my enormous To Do list this morning, trying to put things in order of importance for my basic financial survival, for Beau and my health, and then the magazine shoot. I'd love to have the time to type it up and share it with you just for fun, so you could see how overwhelming it is, but I'm stealing time as it is just to write this. I've got appointments, commitments and things to do all day long and into the night. My list is long enough to keep a person busy for months and beyond. Bleh.

I took a shower and realized I'd left my brush at home so I called downstairs and asked for a courtesy comb, which they promised to send right up and never did, so I brushed my hair with a fork. You'd never know how well a fork can comb through hair until you try it.

I am utterly perplexed about the election. I don't like either candidate and think I should just vote for Kerry to get rid of Bush but I don't trust him yet. I'm not sure why, maybe it's because I read that he's a hunter, but then I heard that bit about him rescuing his daughter's hamster and giving it CPR and that softened me up. I'm deeply suspicious of politicians so for all I know that could have been a made up story and besides what father wouldn't help his child's dying pet? Or maybe I should say what good father wouldn't help his child's pet, and a man who would try to save the life of a hamster, while rating high in my books as being a compassionate being, may not necessarily have what it takes to be president. Plus I'm not digging his wife.

Help me out here, I'm open to education and debate on this, honestly, I'm so stuck. If only there really were a President Jeb Bartlett who we could vote for. If only I were younger and less worried about things like inheritance and property taxes so I could go back to being the hard core bleeding heart liberal I've always been. More and more it seems like I'm leaning towards the middle when it comes to things like taxes and terrorism. Aren't things supposed to get mellower with age?

I have an entire conversation about psychic channeling I'd like to have with you but I am so out of time here. I want to know if you think it's bullshit, if you believe in it, or if you think it's something we all can do if we choose to. I have a friend who truly believes in it but he has always been a bit too easily swayed and sucked in by all things woo woo spiritual, not that I don't believe in extrasensory perception and psychic phenomenon. I know that there are things I cannot perceive with my senses. I know that there are beautiful complicated mathematical mysteries just waiting for us to discover them, beings hoping we will break through barriers to touch them, I listen to Art Bell/Coast to Coast for heaven's sakes, but I don't know if I believe in all of the people out there who in their spiritual arrogance believe, or want us to believe that they can channel entities who have our highest good at heart. And I don't like that we, as seriously flawed human's who are often chained to this earth by our many addictions to the substances we find here, can pick and choose who we want to listen to when the advice they give us is challenging or something we don't want to hear, especially when it runs along the lines of advice we have been given by just about every other person on this planet who has ever loved us. I know I'm being a bit cryptic here but it's because I'm trying to protect someone's privacy.

The confusion I'm having about this goes a little something like this; I have a dear friend who in my opinion is overly dependent on a substance, let's just choose something silly like Jell-O. My friend loves Jell-O and has to have it several times every day. I think it's gotten to the point where this gelatinous substance has become very harmful to him. I think it makes him fat, tired, antisocial, gets in the way of all of his dreams and blocks the light shining through his clear channel to the art muses above. Some stuff gets through, yes, because he's a genius, but it's often muddy and hard for people to relate to because it's being filtered through all of this damned Jell-O. You can't talk to him about this because he is so sensitive about it and thinks that anyone who says anything against his favorite desert is just stupid and unable to appreciate the powerful, ancient, spiritual connection he has with this somewhat simple thing. Besides it has such powerful medicinal effects, the Jell-O has the power to make all the pain go away, physical as well as emotional. He can't see that this gelatin has taken over and he is stuck in a vicious dependent cycle. BTW I'm not talking about myself here, just for today I have beat my recent dependency on prescription drugs, etc.

I myself think Jell-O is a good thing. I think people should be able to enjoy Jell-O and make their own Jell-O at home, but like anything, like me with food or shopping or pets, too much of a good thing can become, well, too damned much of a good thing and eventually it can take over and destroy a person -- everything in my friend's life, and in his home is sticky.

It's not my place to judge another person even though I am flawed and often do. But I try to stay out of the way and just work on my own stuff, setting my own boundaries so that I don't have to be lonely and alone with a friend who is drunk on Jell-O. That's the best I can do. So my friend, who believes in all of these woo woo things, hooks up with a psychic channeling group and it seems to me, but I may have this all wrong because this is a sensitive subject for me, that the group leader wants him to give up Jell-O for a few days in order to receive her spiritual messages, and he tells me that he now thinks she is a power hungry abuse monster and that he's going to pull back, she's been heavy handed and manipulative and unkind to him and others from the start, and besides he was able to abstain from eating deserts for the four days he spent away from home. But when I reminded him that this was because he was forced to do so because of those damned Jell-O sniffing dogs they have at airports he got upset and defensive and things went downhill from there. I just think if you're going to go to gurus you ought to at least weigh their advice even when it threatens your most precious and deeply ingrained relationships with earthbound things. Now watch me go to someone who tells me to get rid of all my cats and we'll see how fast I'll be out of there.

Okay, I have to go, I am soooo late...

Hugs and thanks as always,
Your friend -- Jacqui

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