Well, so much for not logging in again before we leave. I guess I need this too much as an outlet for whatever is going on with me. I'm at my favorite Japanese tea house buying a gazillion boba drinks for everyone at home, for the people in the hair salon, and at the knit store, Jennifer Knits. I just got back from F&S Fabrics where I had a blast buying stips of bright pink, fushchia and limey green silk and tulle fabrics to sew onto my slip dresses and tie into my hair. I also bought flowers, sequins and ribbon. I'm in the over-color-stimulated art happiness zone right now. If I didn't still have so much to do, I'd be able to kick back and enjoy the feeling but right now it's still more of a mix of anxiety and excitement.
My hair stylist, Terry, who is going to do my synth dreads, called me super early because she was confused about what color I wanted her to buy for my extensions. When Darrin dyed it the other day, we went blonde, but not as blonde as Terry had thought we would so she wanted me to come in and show her the color, which meant I had to hop out of bed and hustle my butt over there before I was really ready to.
Next I stopped in at the yarn store and this is where things took a turn for the itchy anxious and stressful for me. It's a tiny space, often super crowded with people all demanding poor Jennifer's, (the sweet owner) help and attention. It can be so fun and stimulating sometimes. When the right mix of people are there, it can be a really terrific social experience, but when the grumpy, snobby, elderly knitters are there, it can turn sour. Today was grumpy, snobby knitter's day.
I walked in and right at the front there was a clatch of grey haired, face pulled too tight with one too many plastic surgeries, gals. One lady had this fox fur stole laid out on the table and everyone was oohing and ahhing over it.
"Oh that's fabulous!"
"Marge, that is going to look so good on that sweater."
"Oh yes! Thank goodness fur is finally back in."
"Yes, I'm having my chinchilla cleaned so I can wear it again."
Well, fragile little emotional bee that I am, you'd think I'd just learn to shut my mouth and walk on by, but I'm also fiercely protective of animals and these principals that I hold dear. If someone like me, someone who cares and wants to prevent the suffering of these poor little animals who live their lives in crowded cages and then end up being electrocuted, gassed, or drowned before having their skins peeling off to be sewn together for a bunch of selfish bitches who could care less about their pain, suffering and fear, then who will do it? So what do you think I did? Nope, I didn't spit or throw paint or swear or any of the things I might have been brave enough to do in the old days, I just stood my ground and said, "No, fur is not coming back in. There are still many, many people who care about the suffering of animals and are opposed to it. It's just the furriers who have put pressure on the magazines to promote their furs and all of the many people who won't speak out against them, or who just follow along with the style pressure, that are making it seem like it's "fashionable" to wear it again. I think it's just plain wrong, cruel and awful." And then I kind of deflated and slunk off. It hurts me so much more now than it used to to stand up to people in the face of their staunch opposition.
Well, as could be expected I felt like Frankenstein hiding in the castle, the villagers gathered as one with their torches and wanted to route me out. You should have seen their faces. One of the ladies kept staring at me like she knew me, (she's probably one of my Mom's Beach Club friends, great) and she had this frozen, mixed look of horror and disdain on her face, seriously, her mouth was pursed like she'd just sucked on something horribly sour, grrrr, wish I could have slapped her, but at the same time I want to be happy and at peace with everyone, the impulse to tear into people and slap their faces isn't exactly out there on the right path -- the path to spiritual enlightenment, at least I know this much. Then they just went off, chattering and jabbering about how rude I was, how sick of being harrassed they are, and how annoying people like me are.
After I had calmed down a bit I kind of reverted to my 12 Step roots and decided to make a fast ammends for the part of this that I didn't feel comfortable with. I thought about this older lady, how happy she had been with her little fur and her hand knit sweater, how she and her friends had been having this little bonding experience and I just swept in and ruined it for everyone. I thought, "Well, maybe that's an older collar, maybe it isn't too horrible if people are reusing their old furs." Even though I really don't agree with it, or fake fur for that matter, because it can be confusing and gives people the impression that you think the use of fur is okay, when it isn't IMONSHO, (In My Own Not So Humble Opinion.) So I mustered up my courage, walked back towards her and said, "You know, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to be so agressive and opinionated. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings or upset you. I'm just very sensitive on this subject and it's never really come up here before." But then I got to listen to a stream of nasty blather about how animals are meant to be used and that if it weren't for animal research she wouldn't be alive today and bla bla bla bla.
I refused to argue with her because I was trying to make peace, even though I knew I could run smart circles around her creaky brittle old logic, (man, I'm being so ageist here, and right when I'm feeling judged and scrutinized for my age more than ever before, I'll have to work on this, damnit,) so finally I just had to say, "Look, I'm just trying to apologize, I don't want to get into any more debate here with you. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that." But she wouldn't she kept going and going so I had to walk away, but I was just shaking and so stressed and anxious.
Luckily my friend Darrin was there next door sitting on a chair outside the salon and he helped calm me down. I even called my friend Ana and blabbed away to her answering machine because I just had to reach out to a friend. Then I went to Le Bon Pain Quotidien, this little French cafe and had my breakfast at the long wooden communal table and felt so conflicted, frozen, frightened and anxious.
Afterwards I got up and went to use the restroom and horror of horrors when I came out there was this angry young German woman with long brown hair glaring at me and tapping her feet. I kind of panicked because I had just used the one and only bathroom, (God don't you hater when you have to use a public bathroom and your stomach is upset?) and forgot to use the deodorant spray so I started to back into the bathroom which made her even angrier and she put her hands on her hips. So I said, "I'm sorry, just give me a second, I just used the restroom and I want to make it nicer for you." To which she kind of cluck/huffed, flipped her hair and stalked off.
Sometimes I feel too damned weird, sensitive, and fragile to exist in this world.