Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

When Masks Fall Away and Wounds Are Ripped Open

Oh My God I just got the biggest shock! One of my Live Journal friends is connected to me in a way I don't think she would be comfortable having me say here on my journal. I would just blurt it out because I need to work through these kinds of things, and as you all know I don't hold too much back here. I use my journal as a kind of emotional steam dump release valve.

All I feel comfortable saying until or unless she gives me the okay is that she is involved in an important way with my ex. She was very brave to finally come out and tell me the truth and I don't hold anything against her for not having been able to tell me this before. This happens here, it's the hard part about being so open with my life here on my journal. I don't know who reads this, or more acurately who knows me in real life who is reading details here that I am not entirely certain I would want them to be reading. But I've had to decide that everything I write here is free for the taking, it's the risky part of this great experiment in communication that we are all taking part in. It's risky and it's scary and it hurts when it happens.

Anything having to do with my ex is super delicate, sensitive, and painful for me. He cheated on me, I cheated on him, he married someone else while he was still married to me, he broke my heart. I loved him so deeply, so completely and for so long that it isn't something I think I'll ever get over. I am forever telling people here, people who are hurting, that it will get easier in time, that the pain will become bearable, and so it does, but it never goes away completely, at least not for me.

In order to get over loving him, needing him, and wanting to be close to him, I had to push him as far away from me as possible while still leaving a door wide open for him to be a Father to his son. He hasn't walked through that door and I don't know how much longer I will be able to keep it open. And I still can't think of him with another woman, still wouldn't be able to see him with someone else without hurting. Even though I have someone else, even though I have loved someone else for a very long time, I am not over him, I probably never will be. I'm like glue in this way. I don't want him. I am not attracted to him. I can't really imagine being with him ever again, not after the way he treated me and continues to treat his son, but there is a part of me that will forever be inextricably linked to him, and while he may remember me fondly, or care a little bit about me, I don't think his feelings for me ever went as deep as mine did for him. But I could say this about a lot of relationships I've had, when I love I love deeply and when I hurt it hurts like dying.

I guess when I write about other relationships I'm mainly writing about my old best friend. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of her and I don't really know what I meant to her, if anything. Life is so fucking painful in this way. Robby and Lorraine were the two people I cared most about in all the world and I don't see or speak to either of them, well, with Lorraine, never, and with Robby hardly at all.

So now I'm up and struggling with so much, the pain and confusion I feel when I become friends with people on Live Journal and they turn out to be someone else, not necessarily someone bad at all, but just someone else, and it's always so shocking to me. It shouldn't be, but it is. It kind of tosses me up in the air every time and makes me wonder who everyone on my friend's list really are and how many of them are wearing masks. I am in no way criticizing this person, I would have done exactly what she did. I would have been totally unable to resist reading my journal and I would have befriended me and eventually fessed up. I admire her for having the courage to tell me the thruth. I'll get over this, I'll get through this, I'm just shocked and left with all of these hurting raggedy memories and feelings. I don't think she knew how deeply this all went, I don't think she knew the extent of the wounding. When you fall in love young and essentially grow up with the man you marry, when you share so many firsts in your life with someone, so many big important moments, when you share joys as well as tragedies, when you have a child with someone, and all of your hopes and dreams for your future are bound up with theirs, it's impossible to just let it all go and move on like it isn't a big part of you. Maybe it's easier for guys. I don't know.

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