I've taken Scott off my friend's list and am making this entry private so I can write here candidly and feel safe. I don't think this will be permanent, or that I'll break up with him over this, although I certainly feel like it. I don't know, it's bad enough that we might, I guess it all depends on how he handles things, but I don't know what he could say to make up to me for having betrayed me so, for having manipulated and lied to me outright. Even my hands are shaking while I type this.
I don't know where to start, I'm having a hard time, it isn't like he Fucked someone else, but he lied to me, chiseled, and cheated on me just the same. In his cold, ruthless, career-climbing arrogance he doesn't see how much he's hurt and diminished me, how much he's undercut the one person who has consistently been there for him -- the one person who has supported him and loved him the most, and this despite all of the many personality quirks that make getting closer to him or living with him impossible for me.
I don't know where to start. I keep starting over again. I've written paragraphs about this and I can't seem to make them make any sense so I save what I've written, set it aside, and then come back and start over again. I'm too upset to write. I'm too upset not to. I've been crying all day.
I don't know whether to tell you the story from the beginning or just cut to the chase, tell you what he did to me last night, and tonight, and then fill in the missing pieces for anyone new, or friends who may not have been following the story, and who just popped in to say hello. I just know that I'm dying inside and I need to get these feelings out, need to express them to people who I know care about me, and I think you care, or at least I think some of you do.
I may be Fucked up and naive in thinking this, but I do see you as friends -- even though we haven't ever met in person. Live Journal as a whole feels like a friend, it's my daily journal, my dear diary, my companion in good times and in bad. I have my cats, they're cuddled around me, and I love them, but when you feel really betrayed, shocked awake by the actions of your lover and your best friend, it's hard to take deep comfort from your animal friends, at least for me, right at this moment, it is.
Scott, my partner of twelve or thirteen years, my lover, my friend, my supposed art-buddy, betrayed me. He lied to me, twice. I was scheduled to sing backup with the other two women he hired, in his producers crappy, rinky-dink, spider-filled, Daddy's-back-yard studio, this Wednesday and Thursday, but Scott called me early in the week and canceled Thursday's session saying "You won't be hurt if we don't use the 'Irie Girls' on Thursday will you?"
I remember thinking that this was so weird. Why would I be hurt? I asked him if it was because of me, if something was wrong, if either Marc or he hadn't liked the way our session went, if they didn't think I was good enough, and he lied and reassured me saying, "Oh no, no, no, we weren't planning on using 'the girls' on all of the songs anyway. We're running out of time and I can't afford it. I have other things I need to work on in the studio with Marc." I did feel a little hurt and brushed off -- what about his promise to try to find places where he could use my voice more -- but I tried to make myself understand and feel supportive of his needs and this decision. More than anything I want to support his art.
Then yesterday I went to see my shrink. I was totally sleep deprived and I had/have a sore throat. I knew this was coming on, and psychologically I haven't exactly been feeling supported or included in this process of singing on Scott's album, so I wasn't looking forward to recording last night. But when my doctor said, "Look, you're so exhausted you could get in an accident, you're in no shape to do anything but go home and sleep," I thought God, maybe Scott will understand, he is my boyfriend after all, I'll just call and appeal to him and explain how awful I feel and ask if we can reschedule our session.
So that's what I did. I called him at work at around 2:00, we weren't getting together until 8:00, and Kimberly hadn't even wanted to come, she was coming as a favor because Scott was pushing so hard. I explained the situation to Scott, I apologized and offered to pay for everyone's time. I even suggested that he go ahead and get together with the girls anyway, but bring me back in for another session at my cost, all so I wouldn't be cut out of his Fucking album because I so badly wanted to be a part of it. But he said that it wouldn't be possible to schedule a session just for me, and that Marc wouldn't be able to do that, all the while knowing that he was planning on doing just that, in this secret session with Kimberly that he had lied to me about.
This is a man who I have put all of my trust in, someone who I had never thought would lie to me, someone who I never thought would be a seamless manipulative liar like my ex. I completely trusted him with pretty much everything other than maybe around his biggest problem which is his Fucking massive addiction to and lifelong dependence on pot. When it comes to weeed he's already proven himself to be a liar, but that's another enormously painful subject that I don't even want to try to get into now.
He told me that he would call the "girls" (Fucking sexist pig) and reschedule our session, and then he asked me if I would mind if he still went ahead and worked with Marc. No, of course not, why would I mind that? Again he asked me if I would mind or feel hurt, and again it felt weird, (Why, well in retrospect it was obviously because he was lying), that he would ask me something like this. I only feel insecure and threatened around the tiny little piece of musical pie that he has reluctantly agreed to share with me, not about anything else.
As long as he wasn't going to get together with the other women, and hand over every available vocal part to one of them, I wouldn't have any reason to mind anything he did in the studio. So, feeling insecure for good reason, I asked him to assure me that he wouldn't get together with any of the other women without me. He assured me that he wouldn't and I trusted him. I'm an idiot, a stupid, trusting, broken-hearted idiot, and this isn't the first time this has happened to me in my life. In fact there isn't a person I've loved who hasn't betrayed me in some important way. I've been betrayed and abandoned since birth and if I sound self pitying it's because that's how I'm feeling.
He called me from work at lunch today like he always does and the first thing I did was thank him for allowing me to stay home and get the rest I needed. I was feeling so relieved and happy. I told him how much it meant to me that he had been willing to be flexible and rescheduled everything for me. Then I asked him how it went last night in the studio -- asked him what he had worked on -- and he said, "Oh well, we worked with KIMBERLY all night." Am I crazy or didn't he agree not to work with her? When I asked him about this he very defensively said, "I didn't say I wouldn't work with Kimberly, I said I wouldn't work with the Irie girls." He went on angrily defending himself like this for a while and then hung up on me, never hearing any of my hurt, never addressing it, just defending himself -- taking care of his emotional needs first, as usual, and then HUNG UP on me!
I'm so hurt that just the name Irie girls makes me want to spit venom at his eyes. The word Irie and the way he has treated me, to say nothing of his treatment of his supposed friend Joan, just don't go together, fake, lying, disloyal, wanna-be-reggae Iriemon. Naturally I was hurt and felt betrayed, he went ahead and did the very thing he promised not to do and he had lied about it in a very premeditated way. Now he just wanted to blow it by me as if it were nothing. All of his music that I have loved for so long feels like a big, fat, fake, pot-shrouded pose to me right now, Reggae, Rasta, Irie, Jah -- Bullshit Mon.
When I got hurt and angry he got defensive and acted like a little kid, didn't take responsibility for anything and had the nerve to say, "I never promised you that you would be on this album! I don't owe you anything!" I don't owe you anything! Nice words for your lover to say to you don't you think? Doesn't owe me anything? Never promised me? Fuck you Scott!
I don't even have the strength to go into how very much I have stood by him and supported him in every possible way through all of these years. Financially as well as emotionally. He's a fifty-two year old, very overweight, Jewish, white guy, who can't stand for more than fifteen minutes at a time, he wants to be a world famous reggae singer, and you know what, as ludicrous and far fetched as this may seem, I believe in his dream, I believe in him.
He's my lover, he's my partner, I see it as my job to believe in him and to support him, period! Obviously we don't see things the same way. When he needed pictures I paid for them. When he needed some complicated digital computer recording device, I swear I think it cost a thousand dollars, I bought it for him. When I told him this he threw it back in my face and said, he wasn't talking about money. Well, then how about the years of emotional support, my unflagging belief in his talent and potential, in the face of so many defeats and obstacles? And as far as promises are concerned he had given me his word, (which to any adult on this or any other planet, is as good as a "promise") that he would include me, and make even more room for me on his album. It was mere nights ago that he told me he would find some more solo parts for me. So how did all of that get turned into, "I think I'll sneak off and give Kimberly all of the fill in vocal parts, and lie to Jacqui about it in the process?"
Then to make everything so much worse, I asked him if he had also been lying about Thursday night, if the reason he had canceled on me for Thursday was because he was planning to use just Kimberly instead of me, and he killed me when he said, "Yes." That yes is still hissing in my ear, the snake like sound of that sylibant s coming from his mouth, and the gut punch that came along with it.
The whole process of singing these background vocals has been miserable for me when it could have been such a great experience, primarily because of the selfish, lazy-ass, unsupportive, competitive, arrogant, egotistical-yet-deeply-insecure and hurried way that Scott has included me, and then secondarily there are all of my own personal, emotional, hang ups and considerations, all of which I can rise above with just a shred of support from someone who I think of as my best friend.
The first I ever even heard about his having decided to create a girl backup band was mere days before he decided we had to go into the studio. I don't know how long he'd been thinking about it, but I do know that he never brought it up, never discussed any of his plans with me. We even had a fight because he was so rough and hurtful in the way that he informed me of his plans. He said that I shouldn't expect to be treated any better than anyone else, that we were all the same, that just because I was his girlfriend was no guarantee that he would even use my vocals, that it was all up to Marc. Then as always, within minutes, he completely flipped in the other direction, told me I had misunderstood, denied having said any of that, then apologized and agreed that he should have included me more -- considering I have been on this musical journey with him for thirteen years now, and as his partner in love if not creativity. He agreed that I deserved to be included in decisions that would involve or affect me. He PROMISED me that I would be the lead singer in this group that I didn't even know we were creating, and that he would treat me better than everyone else. Oh God whatever, how can any woman know where they stand with a man like this, a man so unsure of where his loyalties lie that he'll just say whatever needs saying in the moment, and then take it back whenever it suits him?
Anyway, after this initial breach of trust, this warning shot, I was nevertheless a good sport about it, and a supportive partner, I went and recorded with these other women even though I was really hurt and afraid. I had practically no support from the producer or more importantly from Scott. They just tossed me in to this artificially "professional" pressure cooker environment, that didn't need to be that way at all, and expected me to figure things out for myself, even though they both knew I had never worked like that before. Scott never even bothered to introduce me to these two women, (well, other than sending off an e-mail to us), who both showed up late, never scheduled even one rehearsal so we could work out some of the vocals together before going in to the studio. Like I said he just threw me in there and expected me to swim, and I honestly think I did. I did the best I could, given the circumstances, and thought it went as well as could be expected. We scheduled two more sessions to cover the rest of the songs and Scott promised me that he would give me a bigger role vocally, that he would take better care of me, and stand up for me more to his producer, that he would create some solor parts. But instead he has done the complete opposite and hung me out to dry, undercutting my already weakened self esteem and ability to trust anyone in the process.
I just feel so bottomed out, hurt, and betrayed, He doesn't believe in me, doesn't think I'm good enough, didn't even care to hear my voice on his CD. Apparently thought he was doing me a favor by letting me sing a few buried background vocals. I don't know how to express how devastating this is to me, how deep this goes, how many levels of hurt I feel this on. I want you to believe in me, to know that I do have a good voice, that I have so much to offer and that I do deserve to be included, and I want you to understand why I feel that my lover, partner, friend, and art-buddy should believe in and support me above everyone else, and somehow convey what a huge breach of trust this is, but I don't know if I can.
When he came by tonight he said that I don't have, "A realistic understanding of my musical abilities", can you just imagine how devastating this would be to hear? It's as if Simon Cowell just showed up in my lovers place and pulled the rug out from under me. And just telling you this makes me think you'll take Scott's side. But I can tell you that there isn't anything that Kimberly or anyone else could do on Scott's CD that I couldn't do with just a tiny bit more time, help, or patience, and I think I'm entitled to this.
Just because Scott is raring to go on this doesn't mean he doesn't have an extra few days to bring me in. He is the only one who has been driving this thing like a hot, wet horse. No one else has been rushing this project along. He could easily have built bridges, arranged a rehearsal with me and the other women, not girls -- could have broken down the parts for us, taught them to me, but instead he hung me out to dry. He completely set me up, Fucked me over, betrayed me, hurt me, and now I'm here, alone as usual, trying to pick up the pieces.
I thought we were going to work it out somehow tonight, but his Fucking ego kept getting in the way. He'd say he was sorry, and then he'd back pedal and defend himself as always. He tried to minimize my feelings by telling me that I was blowing this out of proportion. He tried breaking me by insulting me. He would say things and then moments later say he'd say he never said them. It was painful, heartbreaking, tedious, and as usual when we fight, awful. Then when he said, "You go too far, you don't know when to stop, and I don't know how to help you," I told him that if he didn't have anything else to say and didn't want to listen to me anymore that he should go home. Then, when he eagerly got up to leave, I started weeping and he turned his back to me and walked out. I hate him, I love him, and I feel broken and betrayed. Being left here alone with all of these feelings though, more than anything, I hate him.
Everyone I know, and everyone who knows us, says I can do better, says that he is lucky to have me, and that I am too good for him, but I still love him. Despite all his flaws, (and this isn't to say that I am not aware of my own many flaws), despite his addiction, his selfishness, his immaturity, and the fact that now I know he is easily capable of lying in the same way that my ex could -- I mean he was so convincing, the mother Fucking manipulator -- I still love him and need him. My Mother says that all I need to do is lose weight and get my boobs fixed, that I need to find another man, as if this will solve everything. When I told her that I love Scott and that I am in love with him she said, "No you're not, you may love him, but you're not in love with him."
We're going to Palm Desert tomorrow. I resorted to taking prescription painkillers to get through this, I know Scott is smoking up a storm at his house, smoking, eating, watching TV, jacking off, numbing his way out of this, leaving me alone here to deal with the fallout from his betrayal, so why shouldn't I? I'm sorry, it's just that I never thought he would lie to me, I thought if I had anything, it was that I had this great solid, honest, loving relationship with him, and now I know that I don't. He doesn't believe in me. He doesn't support me as a singer. He is a coward. He is selfish, and he is a liar who forgets who he should be loyal to. He said, "I never promised you anything. I don't owe you anything." This is my best friend, the person I have given the most of myself to. How am I going to put all of this behind me and move on from here? Oh God I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I don't know if I've made any sense here or if this has just come out like one great big stoned spew of words and feelings but I just had to get it out there, I can't carry it around in my heart any longer, it just weighs too much. I've avoided talking about how hard this has been because I didn't want anyone to read this and think badly of Scott. I didn't want to make things worse than they already were so I just bucked up and put a positive spin on it. Now I'm just hurting so badly and feel so alone that I just need a friend, any true friend.
Someone say something that will make me feel better, please? I don't want to lose my man who I love so much. I don't want to believe I'm a washed up, wanna-be, self-deluded, tone-deaf, terrible singer of the William Hung American Idol variety, someone who thinks she is so much better than she really is. I want a partner who believes in me, even if that means that he is deluded too. I want a lover who loves my voice, even if it is only because this is the voice that whispers in his ear during our most intimate moments. I want the man I've loved and cared for back.
I honestly don't know who this deeply-flawed, creepy, lying, chiseler of truths is. And I don't want to become an embittered man hater, or an even more frightened housebound agoraphobic than I already am. My God if there was one person I thought I could trust, it was this one person. If the situation were flipped, and it soon will be, if I inherited a bunch of money from my father and was free to use it in some way that supported my creative aspirations, can you imagine how hurt he would be if I treated him the way he is treating me? Again, I just feel like throwing up.