Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Hi Everybody,

I've been meaning to post my writings but I think I just needed to take a couple of days off to deal with my feelings. Thank you all as always for your unfailing support. I love you all so very much. You are all so wonderful and kind. I love you.

I'll update soon. I just need a little more time. Things are okay, Scott and I are working things out. I just feel like my molecules have been rearranged and I'm confused and hurting.

One of the hardest things about this for me is that he did something so totally out of character, or well, it doesn't look like it was that out of character since he actually told me that, "Everyone lies when they're backed into a corner," so I'm having to try to make sense of this -- to fit the idea of who I thought he was with the person he actually is, and that's what's leaving me so confused. When you base a big part of the love you feel for someone on certain basic understandings of who they are and then find out that you're wrong, it's pretty shattering.

You see I've been here before, I've been hurt and badly, but with my ex at least I had some inkling of who he was, with Scott I thought he was so incredibly ethical, someone who just wouldn't lie, ever, and I'm getting how blind I've been, how unwilling I was to look at how often he had lied and chiseled in certain areas of his life and how of course if he could be dishonest about this one thing, he could easily be dishonest about others. I'm just really hurt and sad, and while he is saying all the right things now, and is being apologetic, who knows how long this will last, or when that flip side of his personality will kick back in, defend his actions again, and take away any gains we've made.

My sweet little cat Miss Fuzzums died. After bringing her back with CPR she hung in there for a day and then had a heart attack and left us. I'm feeling sad but okay about it. She was always ill. She spent her entire life with a seriously clogged up, dripping snotty nose and I think she is probably happier not having to be trapped in her ailing body. We really did everything we could for her, even the vets will tell you that, so I'm trying not to go through the usual guilt shame cycle, but I can't really help it, this is how I'm wired. I always think there must have been just that one more thing I could have done for her that I didn't.

I'll miss her sweet personality so much. I'll miss her fur and I keep seeing the way it looked around he mouth and nose, the way it kind of swirled around there, in my mind. I keep remembering her rubbing against me and wanting to be cuddled, but I know I'll see her again in my dreams and when I leave my body. It helps having Tommy and Malibu here with us, takes my mind off the sadness.

We also lost one of our rescued ratties who just passed away in her sleep last night. Again, and I worry this might sound really detached and dispassionate, but I'm not that surprised or broken up about it. She was a wild and frightened rat who bit me more times than I can count. She was afraid of people and grabbed at our fingers when we would try to give her treats, wouldn't interact with us at all, (which is not big deal, I loved her anyway), and she was getting on in years. I'm glad lived a good long life and left peacefully, without suffering or taking us all through a long drawn out illness with dozens of vet visits and forced medicating. I hate having to give medications to the rats, it seems so mean to force them to swallow antibiotics, but I'll do it. I'll do pretty much anything for them.

I guess I feel guilty because when Anna called to tell me that one of the rats died, I prayed that it would be this rat, my least favorite of the four remaining rats we had. I really love my crazy, people shy, super unfriendly, completely bald, blind rat, Sticky Pinky and I'm glad I get to be with him for a little longer. Loving animals, and well, loving anyone, can be so hard sometimes...

Since I'm superstitious and believe that things happen in threes I'm a little bit worried.

I won this dress of my Mom's on Ebay. I don't post pictures of them anymore here until I'm certain I've won them because I don't want anyone to bid against me and drive the prices up any more than they already are. This one went for a ridiculous amount of money, mainly because the seller did a super good job of photographing and describing it. I think that red flower, that doesn't even come with it, really helped sell it.

Here's another one of Mom's dresses. It's really unusual to find two good ones so close to one another. I find about four or five of my Grandmother's dresses every month, but my Mom's weren't made as well. They were inexpensive and weren't the kind of dresses that people saved, so they're harder to find.

Rosa went home to LA to be with her daughter who may be giving birth to her baby tonight. Rosa is nuts and has done some really crappy things to me but I don't want her to be apart from her daughter at a time like this so I persuaded Mom to let her go and I'm still here in the desert taking care of Mom until Rosa can get back. She took my collection of Mom's and Granny's dresses back for us because the gal from the Art Deco Society needs to select the dresses for the fashion show and take their measurements. I'm just praying Rosa won't steal some of them. We wouldn't have had enough room with all of our luggage and things, even using both of our cars, to take them all home. I'd thought about renting a U-haul but then I just decided to risk trusting Rosa. We'll see...

I walked in on Beau masturbating last night, that was fun, not. I just acted like it was no big deal, I don't want to scar him or create some kind of weird sexual memory of his Mom catching him wanking, so he has no idea how uncomfortable I felt. He's been sleeping in the living room and was up late looking at porn on the net and well, you can imagine the rest, yeeee, major discomfort. We had a real light breezy talk about it today and that was about it, but I've still got this image stuck in my mind.

Maybe this is what it felt like for my poor Father when he came home early one day from work and caught Robby and me making out in my room. We were so scared we just ran for the bathroom and left all of our clothes scattered all over the bedroom -- so embarrassing.

I had a dream last night about the ocean, scuba diving, and a hummingbird perched on my face that was licking me. Hummingbirds are my Father's totem animal so when I see one or dream about one, I always think he's trying to make contact with me, and it makes me happy.

We'll be heading back to LA tomorrow. I had wanted to make two Valentine's scarves to sell, and a batch of ATC's but all I managed to do was roll up the color mixes for the scarf and knit about half of one. I did tear out a few things for my cards and I took pictures of some of the oranges, lemons, tangerines and lemons that are hanging heavily on the trees here.

Okay that's about it, I need to try to get some sleep...

Big hugs,

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