Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

A Tsunami Dream and Mom's Secretary Calls Drunk

Last night I had my first tidal wave dream since the tsunami.

In the dream Scott had been invited to participate in some kind of Marymount town hall meeting session, and I was jealous that he had been invited and I hadn't. I couldn't understand why whatever he had to say was more important than anything I could add, especially since he hadn't even gone to Marymount, (my high school).

I wanted to be a part of this meeting in the theatre of my old high school that I love so much. I felt so hurt and left out -- felt this terrible longing to be included. I had a sort of bird's eye view of the school and grounds and was surprised that it seemed bigger than I remember and that the old reservoir, that had been drained and turned into a sports field since I was last there, was full of water again. Someone had hung a little paper sign on the side of the building that was advertising some kind of phone sex service.

Scott went inside for the meeting and I was left standing outside looking at the stairs to the theatre when Sister Eileen walked up. I called out to her and she came over to me. She said, "Oh Jacqui dear, how are you? I'm afraid I can't stay I'm late for this meeting."
I told her that there was some sort of naughty sign hanging on the side of the auditorium that should be taken down and we went over to look at it.

I was surprised to see that there was a stream running around the building. I was sort of puzzling over how it got there, where it came from and how it could be there, on this hill, above a busy street like Sunset when I began to feel a sense of foreboding and that was when I noticed some bomb making materials on the ground and saw this male figure darting around, hiding in the bushes.

I followed the stream around the back of the building and as I watched I noticed that it kept getting bigger and deeper, and that it began to seem more out of control and felt dangerous and threatening somehow. Then I was part of a family at the beach, the stream had widened out into an ocean, sucking up Sunset Boulevard with it. The waves were getting bigger and rougher and my Mother, (who doesn't in any way resemble my Mother in real life), had disappeared under one and my Dad was desperately trying to find her.

I run into the waves to help him just as another bigger wave, a monster wave crests and sucks everyone up into the air with it. There is this scary moment that seems to go on forever where I'm caught at the very top of the wave, looking down, and wondering how to survive the inevitable crash when it falls. There is a Korean family caught up in the wave with me. I look over at them and ask them if they have any idea how we are going to survive this and then the dream ends.

Oh crap my business taxes are due today and my Mom says her secretary Tina has been trying to reach me. We just got back from Riverside and I haven't cleaned my messages off my answering service yet and the phone is full, so she probably tried to reach me and couldn't, ack. I have to call her and give her the figures.

I called and left the amounts on her machine, called Mom to tell her, and then about fifteen minutes later Tina called me back, drunk and slurring her words. I couldn't make any sense out of what she was saying other than, "I love you." You know I love you guys," and "You're insane but I love you." How sad. I tried to help her, offered to listen to whatever it is that's bothering her, but she just kept dropping the phone and mumbling, shit.

She's called me a few times like this before -- called me drunk at night and gone on and on. I feel sorry for her because she works so hard for her money and tries so hard to do right by her kids, but they have so many problems. Her ex left her for another woman and she's okay with it now, they're friendly, she's even friendly with his girlfriend, which I think is amazing, and she has a boyfriend who she lives with in Palm Desert, a hair stylist who is a Jehovah's Witness, if you can imagine that odd combination of things. But her kids have drug and money problems, don't we all. She's had to borrow money to put her son through rehab twice and now she's trying to help him start a newsstand business of his own. I don't know what's wrong today though and of course I always think everything has something to do with me, messed up ego girl that I am, so I'm feeling a bit anxious and panicky, wondering if she's fed up with trying to help us juggle our crazy finances, and tired of having to be the go between gal stuck in the middle of my aging, forgetful, penny-wise-pound-foolish mother and fiscally-irresponsible goofy ol' me.

Yikes I have to go, she's back on the phone with me again mumbling sad drunken emotional stuff. I wish I could help her but I know I need to just stay out of this, while there may be truth to some of what she's saying, while I may have some small or large part in her upset, I know I don't need to take anything someone says when they're really drunk, personally. I'm just sitting here letting her go off and writing down what she's saying because it helps somehow, gives me something to do while I listen and occasionally say comforting things in between her mumblings.

"I love you but I can't do this stuff against your Mother...I'm having a really hard time right now...I feel you but not in the center affects...It's just my, I feel responsibility towards your mother and towards you and I've worked to take care of you and uh, it hurts sometimes..."

I asked her what happened today to get her so upset and she said,
"Because I talked to her, and no, no, it's what I felt for so long but I don't verbalize it. Don't worry honey if she dies you take everything away from you. I'll always be your friend but not your financial advisor. I love you in spite of your stupid self. I worry about Mom and no person should be that attached but she's teaching me every step of the way...Well I feel that, and you know I want to take care of you. You don't have to pay me for it. I just want to take care of you...It's just that I try so hard and stuff doesn't come out the way I want but I will take care of you so tell me how much money you have and we'll get on that...he's a nice man. Hunh? You are. It's just that I'm thankful for what I have. All right so be better and be...you know, I don't have that much but I have my charges so I can do this. I am, and I have so much faith in you, in this other stuff, that it's going to work out. And so I tell them...you don't know my daughter...they don't know you like I do. They like..I believe in you, all the stuff that you say I believe." Then she hangs up on me.

Oh God, big huge sigh, sadness...

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