Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Gonna Give Singing With Scott One Last Shot : ( Yikes

Oh God, I'm going to go sing with, or sing back up to, Scott tonight and I am dreading it. After everything that happened the last time, I really, truly do not want to, and am not sure why I agreed to do it. I am an anxious wreck about this and all I want to do is hide under the covers. I told Scott that I would rather have a tooth pulled than have to go back there and do this again, and he knows how phobic I am about the dentist. I don't know if I'm being smart and self supportive, or dumb and masochisitc by putting myself right in harms way again.

After the whole Scott-lying-album-drama, he made up with me by appologizing and promising to give me a fair chance. He's said everything I want to hear but until I see action it's just words and I'm left having to take the risk. He's gone out of his way to make up for what he did, for having lied about using the other gal, and he's waited to schedule me in, when he is totally rushed and neurotic about getting this thing done. I should be feeling happy, excited, enthused, and looking forward to this, but I don't really feel supported, and to be creative -- to sing for and with other people -- especially your lover of a gazillion years, you need to feel trust. His selfish behavior doesn't exactly engender trust in me and who knows about his producer, who knows.

I've really been wondering if it wouldn't be better to just allow his music and his career ambitions to remain completely separate from my own, that would mean I could go out there, join whatever theatre company I wanted, produce a play, do anything I want without feeling that I need to include him. He is difficult to work with, over-sensitive, fussy, demanding, a prima donna to such an extent that when we were first falling in love we were in a theatre group, and the members of the group secretly named it Poodles and Hoops because of his excessive demands and needs -- we felt like poodles being asked to jump through hoops for him. He's also very talented, very, very gifted, and I love and believe in him.

At the same time that I'm feeling all of that, I also know that given his promise to include me and then his subsequent sneaky chiselling behavior, if I'm not included, if he doesn't make this up to me, I will end up resenting him and this project, and since he depends on me for support and feedback, I think it would be pretty hard to give.

God damnit, I wish I could just run away. Driving all the way to his house in the valley, and then having to go to this gross, dirty, spider-filled studio, to play with this weird, quiet, shut down, arrogant mother fucking producer and Scott, is just not my idea of a safe, joyful, environment to bare my voice. I'm also afraid that they might be right; taking this to extremes, maybe I do suck, maybe I'm like one of the many scary people who audition for American Idol, the ones who are totally self deluded into thinking they are great when they are so obviously bad, so awful, so pitifull it hurts.

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