I'm so excited at the possibility of being able to speak with my sister, but I have been hurt so much, been rebuffed so badly, that I'm afraid to get hopeful. Every time something starts to look promising in this area, it bombs, usually around my birthday, March 29. The last of the very few contacts I had with my birth mother was through an e-mail I received on the morning of my birthday around three years ago. She had to have known she was timing it this way, she sent it very late the night before to ensure my receiving it on my actual birth date. The one sentence that I remember the most clearly in this hurtful letter was, "Be grateful for the family I gave you and leave mine alone," oh and "Yes, you were the product of a rape." Lovely n'est pas?
This is what can happen when you go digging around in your adoption history. Not to put you off searching, if you are an adoptee or a birth parent, because I have heard some wonderful reunion stories. It just hasn't gone so well for me, and I honestly thought my story would end so wonderfully with hugs and kisses. I thought that my Birth-Mother was out there somewhere, missing me just as much as I was missing her, loving me through all those years of separation, in the same way that I have always loved her, but that just isn't the case, she wants to wish me away into a corn field somewhere, anywhere away from her and her family.
I don't care that my conception may have come from something as brutal as a rape, I mean I do care, and it does affect me, pretty deeply as it turns out, but I am not as worried about learning unpleasant truths as I am about never learning them. I need, I desperately need to know the details of my conception. I just want the truth. I want to know who my Father was -- what really happened -- and I believe that, at a minimum, every adopted person deserves to know who their parents are, and what the circumstances surrounding their birth were, well, that and the all important medical history.
My fondest wish would be to have a relationship with anyone from my birth family, especially my mother, my father, my uncle, or either of my sisters and my brother. Amazingly enough, the one sister I have wanted to meet the most, the one who seems the most like me, and is also an actor, (what are the odds, one sister is a marine biologist, the other an actor, all we need now is for my brother to be an animal rights activist, and the biological synchronicity would be complete), is the one who found an old registry entry on adoption.com, I think, and registered.
It blows my mind that my mother and sister kept my existence a secret from her and that she had to find out about me on line. What a terrible shock that must have been, to have been looking up her own name and then to have found an entry saying I was looking for her. I'll let you know what happens.
Sorry I haven't logged in, in a while -- this is kind of a record lull for me. I've been dealing with a lot and I've been writing, I just haven't put the entries up for some reason. I will soon though.
Love you guys,
Jacqui
XOXOXOXo
