Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

This is a really bad photo of Zazu but it was the easiest for me to put up for now. I can't spend too much time trying to find the perfect picture because it'll make me feel too sad : (

Hello My Darling Journal Pals,

I haven't posted anything in a bit because I've been knocked off my feet with the usual bladder woes. I'll be seeing my doctor again tomorrow so I'm hoping I'll be better soon. Cross your fingers/say a prayer? I've been writing but every time I look over what I've written it's just too full of boring repetitive chatter about my health woes and an assortment of saddish things that I just don't feel like posting so I wind up saving it, and then it's just too dated to bother posting. Hey, if you guys think I write a lot, you should see the entries I never put up, I could probably create a whole separate journal with them.

Our beloved little Zazu kitty didn't make it. No more Zazu and it seems like we just brought her home yesterday, our little Miss Zazu Pitts : ( I'm sad, deeply sad, but I've been prepared for this. All the vets who've seen her are convinced that she is/was too inbred and just wasn't strong genetically, and that this accounted for her tiny frame and her poor kidney function. But sometimes I think there must be something here that might be killing our friends -- I wish there was some way I could tap into an alternate universe where I could observe her little time line in different circumstances -- see if she would have lived longer had she been adopted by someone else. I would like to know that it wasn't my fault.

We've been fighting for her for over a year now, and she fought valiantly but her body just couldn't hang in there any longer. I was ready to have to make the decision to put her to sleep last week but then she rallied only to stop eating again yesterday and then faded quickly through the night. She died at the hospital this afternoon. I had one last cuddle with her last night and did something I don't usually do which was to ask God to let me keep my little friend.

Normally I just pray for whatever the greater good is, meaning that if it's her time then I'll go along with that, knowing that someone much, much greater than I am, can see the bigger picture and made a decision that, even though I don't agree with it, is for the best. I honestly get confused about prayer. I think that everything happens as it's meant to, and if this is the case, then what are we praying for? Isn't that a little presumptuous? If God, (or whoever or whatever you believe in), makes all the big decisions, then shouldn't we just put our faith in her hands and turn the whole thing over to this all-loving being or force? Then on the other hand, I also believe that when two or more people are praying together for the same thing, there is this tremendous alchemy that happens, a force that when summoned by group mind creates a much greater likelihood that their prayers will be answered. So I don't know what to make of prayer, I just do it with love and an open heart and mind.

Oh Lord I just heard that poor dear girl sing The National Anthem on American Idol and my heart just goes out to her. She was so brave to come back and try again, but oh man was she bad -- that last note, did you hear that? Poor, poor thing, do you think she knows that she's almost completely tone deaf? Seriously, do you think she worked on it all season to prove to us that she really could do it and had only just blown it on the day of her audition? Or do you think she was going along with the whole thing for the publicity? I hope it's the latter, I just would hate so much for someone earnest to be brought back only as a joke, unless they were going along with it, like say William Hung.

Who picked our National Anthem anyway, and why did they pick such an incredibly hard song to sing? I mean what were they thinking, "Oooh lets get a song that only a few superb singers with enormous vocal ranges can actually sing, and we'll all have a good laugh for a few hundred years watching everyone kill it at baseball games, yeah, that'll be a good plan"?

Here is another one of my Grandmother's dress auctions, but I won't be bidding on it, and this feels kind of empowering. I like that I don't feel as desperately compelled to own every single one of these dresses that comes up for auction. I've had to become more choosy in what I'll bid on and since I have sooo many of these dresses now, (at least five hundred or so at last count), and have gone broke collecting them, I'm not going to get sucked into any more shill bidding wars, or as in this case, buy something from a seller who seems a little too quick with the negatives. Take a look at her feedback history, oh, no, no, no, no, no, I've dealt with this kind before -- I'm not going to run the risk of letting some kook newbie seller damage my fragile eBay reputation. I'm not going to risk getting a negative from some uptight, control-freak seller, not over a dress that I already have dozens of examples of.

Okay, well, that's more than my poor weary fingers have the energy to type tonight. I just missed you and wanted to say hello.

Big loving hugs,

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