Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Tina Turner and Felicity Huffman on Oprah, Moniques FAT Chance, and Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation

How cool was Tina Turner on Oprah today? No, wait, she wasn't cool, she was hot! God, I love Tina Turner. And Felicity Huffman was so cute doing backup, sooooo cute. I so love Oprah for this whole Wildest Dreams thing she has been doing. When she asked Felicity, who happens to be my favorite actor on Desperate Housewives, (honestly, without her I wouldn't even consider watching it, she's the best actor there), how it felt she said, "It felt like a race car, like grrrreat sex!" I'm so happy for her. It feels so good to watch people have their dreams come true, it really, really does. However, I should know never to watch Oprah on a Monday because it never fails to make me cry.

I have been forced to transfer all of my things from my storage unit to the basement of my Mother's house, and keep them there until I can weed through them, sell some of them off, or give some of them away, and find an alternative storage solution. In the meantime I'm so afraid Rosa, Mom's creepy housekeeper, will steal my things. I don't know what I can do to protect myself from this. I just have so much stuff and it would be super easy for her to help herself to a box or ten without my knowing it. If she's brash enough to steal a king sized mattress and replace it with a filthy, flimsy, crappy old one that she found in some alley, and then deny doing it, I really wouldn't put anything past her. I imagine she'll be going through my things while Mom's out or sleeping, big sigh. I just haven't figured out what else I can do just yet. All of the different things I've collected from the different collecting phases I've been through are over there now. I'm particularly worried about our rock and crystal collection and think I should move them to Scott's house or bring them back here. Rocks and minerals probably don't sound that valuable or exciting but I had so much fun building this collection -- we collected them for so long -- and we have some beautiful and rare specimens. I particularly love anything encrusted with crystals, filled with trapped bits of water, (anhydrous), unusual geodes, rocks that glow under black light, or super colorful specimens. Yeah that's me, the rock and mineral geek, Miss Girl Science.

Jimmy Kimmel is such a jerk for making fun of Monique's FAT Chance contest. He doesn't exactly have a thin build himself, if you know what I mean, stubby little shit. Sorry, I just hate when anyone picks on anyone else for being large. I think it's such a cheap shot and just as mean-spirited, ignorant, and prejudiced as any other form of racism.

I love the big-gal positive aspect of the whole thing, at first I wasn't that interested because beauty contests as a rule bother me, but there was something more important going on here, these women were being celebrated for being beautiful and big. The final two contestants were women of color and one of them was bald, there is definitely something good to be said for that! I think the woman who won is a babe, who gives a shit that she's fat, she's really beautiful and I loved her.

I'm just happy to see big women being celebrated, in the way that stick thin women have for decades, it's high time. I wasn't a big fan of the whole FAT acronym thing. I thought they could have come up with something better than Fabulous and THICK. Thick doesn't sound that great, and it can also mean stupid. I wouldn't want to be crowned Miss Fabulous and Thick, nope. Couldn't they have come up with a more positive T word like, Terrific, Tenacious, Talented, Tempting, Thankful, Tight, (for people who talk like fifteen year olds), or Thoughtful? Or they could go the other way with this and try Fabulous and Tipsy, Toadlike, Tired, Terrible, Treacherous, Toothless, Topless, Tragic, or Tortured. That last one would work for me; but forget the fabulous, we could just cut the shit and go straight to Fat and Tortured, yeah, that'd be my motto. Think I should change my journal subtitle?

Speaking of words that begin with the letter T, this is Truly Terrifying; The Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Los Angeles, where their, "Board Certified Gynecologist can completely re-sculpt and rejuvenate the vagina with a 1 hour laser procedure," and they claim that their "Mission is to empower womAn, with knowledge, choice, and alternatives." Yeah, the day Scott starts to worry about getting his dick "rejuvenated" is the day I'll go sit on a big yellow flower and think about empowering myself with some vaginal alternatives.

I'm not against serious intervention for something like a dropped bladder or pelvis or post pregnancy numbness or really anything that would bring a woman more comfort or function. I'm pretty much a live and let live kind of gal, so body modification is fine by me, as long as these things remain options and don't turn into some kind of Twilight Zone routine procedure that women feel pressured to do. When we start having to tighten up our vaginas or make them look "pretty" according to someone else's standards, then I think we are headed down one very dangerously slippery slope indeed. Vaginas are like flowers, unique and beautiful in their infinite variety, and once we start developing some kind of uniform standard of vaginal beauty, well, then we really will be deflowering ourselves.

I still haven't been able to put my hands on a copy of the magazine we're in, darn it. I went to four different news stands today and instead of buying magazines I wound up buying more books, oh God, like I need more books, but there are so many wonderful things to read, and thank God I love reading. If anyone out there sees the magazine, (Woman's Day Gardening and Deck something or other), and wants to do a kind turn and scan it for me, I'd be super grateful and so thrilled to see it. I haven't even read the article. All I know is that it has pictures of my garden and a shot of me sitting on the porch before I dyed my hair blonde. I'm hoping they used my friend's, (our mail carrier and neighbor), lovely garden plan/diagram that she drew up especially for them, and that they gave her and my gardener Tom credit too, cause I love them both so.

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