Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

You know I actually feel a little better today. It could be because I got a little money and have a tiny bit of breathing room, tiny being the operative word. Or it could be because I made myself get out and do a couple of errands, one of them bringing me into contact with animals, in particular the sweetest, cuddliest, little love bug of a puppy -- a French bull dog. Oh man, I know this sounds insane but I would trade "one" of my dogs if I could have a doggy like this. Shhh, don't tell anyone I said this, I wouldn't want to hurt any doggy feelings. I always wind up with the wild ones, or maybe they just become this way because I suck at training them in the same way that the Osbourne's used to.

Speaking of The Osbourne's -- who's show I miss so much -- how hot is Jack looking? He's so inspiring. When I feel bad about being fat and sloth like, I can just look at what a transformation he's undergone and feel hopeful.

I'm loving the new Martha Stewart show, Martha, and her version of The Apprentice. I'm sorry you guys, all gossip about how mean and controlling she is supposed to be aside, I just love her. I was so sad to learn that she's discontinued her catalogue. I guess I didn't realize this because it's usually only around Halloween time that I go and look for ideas and things to buy. I'm so sad that it's gone, it was my favorite, and it's been gone for a year and I didn't even know it. Today, on her show, she's putting glue on pumpkins and coating them with glitter -- very nice. In this month's Martha Stewart Living magazine she painted flowers, wreaths, and pumpkins black and they looked good. I don't know what it is about Halloween, but this time of year really brings out my inner Martha Stewart.

Oh no, wait, I just realized something -- I can't watch the rest of this show because it was supposed to air after The Apprentice that I haven't watched yet. If I keep watching I'll know who got booted off before I watch the latest episode, ack, change channel. I just find these kinds of shows easier to kind of half heartedly watch while I do computer related things. Anything else I have to concentrate on in order not to miss anything. God, I'm so ADD, today I couldn't even remember what breed of dog Flora-Bella is. This woman at the pet store asked me and my mind just went blank. Now, granted, I'm sick and I've been in bed for weeks now, but I just don't know how to explain to a stranger how someone who loves her dog can't even remember what breed she is. As Jen would say, "Le sigh."

I was watching one of her older shows yesterday and she had Marc Marrone on yesterday -- the man who has all of those animals all over him when he hosts his show (Scott loves this show -- me too but I never know when it's on). He came on the show with his usual mass of cats, puppies, ferrets, birds, bunnies and whatever other creatures he brings. It was so funny because the objective of the segment was to show people how to create a freshwater fish tank, (something coincidentally that Beau and I were just doing at the very same time -- we just added the guppies to it today -- ninety gallons and Beau just wants guppies, only guppies), but all of his little animal friends wanted to be a part of it. The ferret was climbing into the tank, one of the dogs was dipping his paws in the water and slurping out of it, a bird was chewing on Martha's hair, and a big gorgeous black crow was flying back and forth from the tank to the camera.

It was such wonderful, loving, animal chaos, and I think Martha handled it really well, but given that we all imagine her to be a bit, shall we say, controlled and disciplined, (And Lord who wouldn't be to get as much done in a day as she does? Sometimes, or most of the time, I think this stuff is a kind of misogynistic attack on her as a woman, because we wouldn't pick on Donald Trump for not being all soft and cuddly 24/7. Maybe where it gets confusing is that her whole thing is creative homemaking and entertaining and that seems to imply warmth, friendliness, and caretaking, which may not be so easy to pull off when you're busy making everything look, taste, and feel perfect all of the time), so I can imagine that having all of these pets flying and hopping around the set -- pooping and chewing on her clothes and hair --must have been driving her insane.

I personally would looooove to be in this kind of situation. For me this would be one of those I-died-and-went-to-heaven kind of moments, but I don't know about her, I'm just not sure, and Esther, Beau and I got a kick out of watching her try to keep it all together. She remained cool and unruffled, for the most part, but you could kind of see glimpses of upset beneath the veneer -- or maybe I'm just imagining this. This was one of the older shows, when she was supposed to be meaner, but I think she was okay. I know, and you know, that the new PR plan is to present a friendlier, more accessible Martha, and it's clear from both of the newer shows that she is really trying to be all things to all people. I thinks she's succeeding. We can't all be Oprah ; )

Beautiful aquariums.

I have to say that this time of my year is my favorite, not just because of the weather and all of the fun holidays, but because this is when my most difficult neighbors have been away at their other home for months and I don't have to put up with their incessant complaints and spying. The energy here is so completely different when they're gone. They come back after Halloween, darn it, and then it changes, things get uptight again and I feel crowded and watched. Atra and her family believe in "the evil eye" they think people direct "bad eyes" at you and in a way I think is a little bit like what these particular neighbors have been doing to me/us for years, and it really saps our energy. Maybe I need some kind of spell or something, something I can hang on my side of the fence that will ward off their trouble and negativity.

I'm still waiting for the flyers and tickets for the fashion show. I don't think we're going to get very many comps because they just can't afford to give them to us. So I'll have to ask everyone to buy their own tickets, which really sucks and is embarrassing. Oh well.

Spending a lot of time in bed means watching lots of television, reading, and sorting through stuff. I get to discover shows I wouldn't have seen otherwise. I've been liking The Look For Less. I also like the Travel Spies, and of course Cops -- I've always liked Cops -- and all of the scary emergency room shows. It also means getting fatter, but at least my eyes are getting a good workout watching all of these yoga shows.

I am getting so mad at my body right now. There is so much I want to be doing, so much I want to get done. I am so tired of having to drag myself around, kick starting myself every single day just to do the simplest of things. It's so frustrating, and really lonely too.

I made myself go see my friend Atra today, just simply made myself. When I stand all I want to do is sit or lean, and it's even hard to hold up the weight of my head -- I'm that exhausted. I don't get it. But I'm doing everything I can for this. I'm eating well and taking all kinds of vitamins and supplements. I'm resting. I'm making myself walk. I can't do too much about the stress because it took me a while to get to this place and it's going to take a while to get out, especially when I'm not feeling strong. If I can't get myself to dig through boxes and put prices on things and drag them over to the mall on a good day, how the hell am I going to do it when it hurts just to take a shower?

And then there's Halloween, a holiday I adore, but I've raised the bar so high for myself on this that now it's expected of me to put on a big show for the neighbors every year. I love doing it, I really do, I love making all of these kids happy. It also gives me an outlet for my mostly unchannelled creativity, and it's very social and community oriented. All super good things, but it takes work, time, money, and energy -- energy that I just don't seem to have. Oh well.

Each day I get a little more work done on the yard. Tonight when I came home from Atra's, one of our neighbors and his little four year old daughter were sitting in front of my house, on the bale of hay I always place on the parkway by the sidewalk, just looking at everything, and we're not even set up. All of the poor mannequins are naked, but they were still there having a good time looking at our Halloween pumpkins and toys. It was a good feeling, knowing that I was doing something that made this little girl and her Dad happy, giving them a sense of holiday, neighborhood and continuity. It's nice to have something to do that makes people happy and makes me feel good about myself at the same time.

Oh great, Scott just called and because I teasingly said, "Oh, now you call me," because I had been trying to reach him and had been wondering where he was, (It was just a joke, I can't imagine his not being able to hear the smile in my voice, or taking this any other way than the funny joking way I meant it, I just can't, it was so totally innocuous, and I'd called him twice today telling him how much I loved and missed him), he instantly went on the defensive and got set off like a flighty delicate bird and there was no putting things right. I really, really tried. I thanked him for something he did yesterday. I tried to compliment him. I told him that I'd been missing him. I listened to his description of the movie he saw today. Nothing worked, he just seemed weird and off, but of course he got defensive and accused me of being off, because I'm not feeling well, and it took me a little longer to answer his questions than normal because I have to make myself think.

I said, "Honey, I think we're just both being really sensitive and insecure right now. You took something I said the wrong way and overreacted, then I overreacted to your reaction, and it just got worse from there. Everything's okay, let's just forget it." But he wouldn't go with that, it had to be my fault, so he said something negative and dismissive like, "Uh, okay, if that's how you want to describe what happened," and suddenly wanted to go. He tried to kind of make it better before he hung up, but not really, he just left me feeling hurt and crappy and doesn't really care that I'm sitting her feeling really ambushed. He knows I'm hurt and the truth is that his discomfort and need to disconnect and do whatever he does to check out, rather than hang in there and work things out, is more important to him right now.

Sometimes he can be such a Fucking tease. He calls in a fragile itchy mood, then projects it onto me, (when the only thing going on with me is that I'm sick -- and he could have been oh just a tad more supportive and compassionate about this as well), and then he gets to run away blaming and leaving me feeling lonely, hurt, abandoned and confused -- terrific. This really sucks, being in a relationship that is there but not there. So I guess I can take back what I wrote yesterday and add us to the list of things I'm stressed out about. Shit. And then to make matters worse, he'll read this and things will get even weirder or more upsetting between us.

Why, oh why the hell can't love and sex and relationships between men and women be easier? Are they all like this? Is it me? Am I impossible to get along with? Or do I just keep picking insensistive, immature, socially disconnected men who are like my father, men who are kind of awkward loners at heart, men who make me feel unwanted and abandoned, because I never got the kind of nurturing or care I really, deeply needed from him? I know my Dad loved me. I think Robby loved me, or I know he loved me in a sisterly kind of way. And I know Scott loves me, but not as much as he loves feeling safe and comfortable, and when he acts insensitively, puts off communicating with me because he's just too uncomfortable to deal with me or us, leaves me alone and hurting, and then later promises to remember not to do this any more, I can't help but feel abandoned, again. Ah well, and just when I was starting to feel a little bit better, I have to turn the dial back down to heartbreak. No problem, I'm used to it, I'll get over it, I always do. At least I've got the cats, and I can always pick at my scalp...

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