Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Sorry I haven't been able to write back to everyone yet. Thank you as always for your kind thoughts and words. You're the best and I love you all!!!

Today was good and funky and good and funky again. I was grateful to have my friend Atra's help returning the car I'd rented to go to Beau's San Diego concert. We had tea afterwards at one of my favorite cafes in Century City and that was nice, considering how hard it is to get either one of us out of our houses. But the super bad news is that it looks like the CHP is considering the accident that happened in front of me on the freeway, the hit and run accident that caused the car we all had to swerve around to avoid hitting, as a separate accident from the one I was involved in. Basically they are not taking all of that activity that happened in front of us, and made it next to impossible to do anything other than what I did, which was swerve to avoid colliding with people, into account and considering my accident an entirely separate collision. Since the cars that smacked into me from the side and hit me from behind took off, it can't really be proven that they exist. And there isn't anyone to get any money from but me.

I am really grateful that the man my car smacked into when it was spinning around is going to live and will walk, but he has a broken vertebrae in his neck, and the hundred thousand dollar policy I have to take care of his injuries may not be enough, not for a spinal injury. Mom and her secretary Tina are in charge of all of the insurance and since Mom is always complaining about the cost of things, I am sure Tina got this policy to save her money. My Dad always made sure we had policies with huge caps just in case anything like this were to happen.

I'm scared. I don't want to be sued. I don't want to be held liable. I really believe there wasn't anything else I could have done. I don't speed. I don't drink or do drugs. I wasn't talking on my cell phone. I wasn't speeding. I honestly don't know what I could have done differently. But I am really glad that it wasn't worse, that everyone's alive and walking. Now it's just a matter of people and their insurance companies pointing fingers and fighting it out, it all depends on how ethical the claimants will be.

If I'd been smashed into, dragged around the pavement by my car, and had my neck broken, I think I'd want to be certain the person responsible was going to give me enough money to take care of the resulting injuries for the rest of my life. But why was this guy stopped in the first place, and was he given a drug and alcohol test at the hospital? God only knows how this will all wash out.

I don't know what's going to happen to my poor car. I'm sure it's going to be totaled. She was a good friend, saved my life. Now I just have to wait and see. My computer got smacked around and broke so I bought a new computer on credit from Dell, and my camera is messed up as well. But these are just things.

I wish I knew who this little stuffed tiger belonged to so I could give it back. I wish I could be friends with the people who were in the accident with me. I'd like to be able to go to the hospital and visit the man who was injured, but it just doesn't work that way. I don't know anything about him, other than the fact that I'd like to comfort him and his family in some way. I've been thinking about the movie Crash a lot lately, about the concept that we're all living these isolated lives in the midst of this huge city, and that we, or I, are lonely, and experiences like these, where we literally crash into other people, make us feel closer to them in some way.

My cat Ruby is still alive. Thanks for helping me keep her that way. Her mouth is still painful and she doesn't want to eat anything solid, but she'll eat baby food and she's looking better. I've had to isolate her from the other cats so that she doesn't pass on whatever it is that Rook and her sister and she have.

I wasn't relishing the idea of doing that drive again after last week's accident, but I promised Beau we would come to see his concert, so Scott kindly offered to drive and paid for the hotel. I'm still pretty dizzy and weak so this was a big help. We left Friday after work and came back late Saturday. We stayed at the W. and we were both tired so we didn't get to take much advantage of the fun digs and the hard core party atmosphere in the lobby and at the heated sand rooftop bar place. It was pretty crazy; the usual W lobby decor, doormen in dark suits with ear pieces that make them look like body guards, purple everywhere, loungey modern furniture, expensive coffee table books and games, a full bar, a DJ spinning tunes, and wall to wall people, and noise.

The W's I've been to in LA and in New York have bar scenes but not right smack in the middle of the lobby like this, and there was an enormous line to get in to the club on the roof. Scott was way too tired to do even the least of any of this so I had to settle for looking down on the party from the window at the end of our hallway.

Beau's concert was great. I'm so happy for him. I wish I'd been able to take pictures but my digital camera is messed up from the accident and I didn't have another one with me. I bought a disposable and hopefully I'll get around to having those pictures developed so I can share them with you.

I was able to sit for the first six or seven bands but then I started to feel sick. I was so weak and dizzy that I had to lay down on the carpet off to the side of one of the aisles in order to watch, but it was fun to see all of the kids playing on stage. They were soooo sweet, and some of them were really good.

Where else can you go and get to do something like this -- get to play on stage in front of hundreds of people like a real band at a concert? I'm so happy I was able to give Beau this experience when I know there are so many people out there dreaming of being able to do something like this. Artists who are gifted but who may never get the chance to stand on a stage with a good sound system and lights and be in a rock band. I was especially happy for the female lead vocalists. They looked like they were having so much fun.

An old friend of mine just had a baby and I can tell from a brief e-mail she sent me that she's over the moon with happiness. I'm so happy for her! She is so deserving of this happiness and it's all uphill from here. I miss those days, those early baby days with Beau, miss sitting in his rocking chair in his room, breast feeding him, looking at this sweet baby face, and feeling so content. Having my son was/is the best thing I've ever done.

I so hope that I will get to have this experience again because I love children soooooo much. I don't have to have a biological child, I doubt my body is up to that, but I really want to adopt. This has been a plan of mine since childhood. I wanted to have one or two children and then adopt one or two to give back because I was always so grateful that I had been adopted. But life has to be a wee bit more stable for me before I can do this. I feel the clock ticking loudly and I don't want to miss this fast closing window of opportunity. I don't know if you can adopt children at fifty.

Oh God I hurt so much and I'm so dizzy I can't focus. I gave in and took half of a Vicodin. I hate them because I can easily become dependent on them, and because of this I am very careful about how and when I take them. Time to visit the chiropractor, bleh.

Okay my loves, that's it, I'm done in. I'll try to catch up with you soon. I get to have the dressings on my burns changed tomorrow, that'll be fun.

Love you,

PS: I'm sending love and prayers for all of the people in the Middle East.

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