Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Yesterday I tried to get a lot of my shopping done with a limited budget. I blew through it in three hours. I got a lot done, but not everything. Especially for Beau who has been really nice about not asking for too much on his Santa-List. He originally wanted a giant fish tank. You know, a wall sized one? But I can't afford it and there is absolutely no room in his room, so I finally worked up the courage to break it to him that I couldn't pull it off right now.

I just gave the ferrets a plastic bag and they are having so much fun. They like crinkly sounding bags more than any toy I could buy them. They are so cute right now. The two little ones are wilder than the big fat white boy, he's sweeter and mellower. They came from two different breeders.

Last night I had a dream that I was John Kennedy's girlfriend. He was really messed up though, a heroin addict and a major rebel who just wanted to act out any way he could. I kind of liked that about him. I remember that he had died his beautiful hair a wild flamey red color and his parents were really pissed off at him about it. Plus they didn't think I was good enough for him. In the dream I was a model. Ahhhh what a nice dream, if only.

I've let the bunnies out to play in the patio. They are so cute and fluffy.

Last night when I was shopping at Bloomingdales, there was a really nice guy who was helping me in the fun part of the makeup department. The part that has Benefit, Tony & Tina and Urban Decay, those kind of lines. I was picking out some stuff for friends and I had to go over to the perfume department to pick up a perfume that my assistant always spritzes from my perfume tray in my bathroom. I've been wanting to get it for her for a while. BTW I love this perfume, Hanae Mori, but I was good and didn't buy anything for myself, yeay.

Anyway I told this guy, Jeff, that I would just go get it and bring it back to him so he could have the sale, because I know how hard these guys have to work for their commissions and because I thought it would save me some time. When I got to the perfume area this older woman asked me if I needed help. She looked kind of burned out and frazzled. I told her that I had a salesperson so she wouldn't be disappointed over the commission, but since she was free would she mind simply pointing me in the right direction. She was so uptight about the whole thing, just kind of pissy and angry and wasn't about to help someone whose sale wasn't going to benefit her in any way. I didn't want to upset her so I went and found it myself. Then because I'm always trying to make everyone feel better and am too friendly (codependent) I went back to her and showed her the perfume and explained that this was the one I had been looking for. She then grabbed the bottles out of my hands and swept away with them to her register. I reminded her that I had told her I already had a salesperson and she just looked so peeved. I told her that I was sorry if I had made her sad and she said, "Well, you did!" Then she proceeded to grill me about who my salesperson was and what was his name and accused me of planning to take them to the shoe department, until finally she saw my guy, Jeff, and grudgingly sent me on my way.

I'm such a sensitive being so the whole thing upset me, and even though I had fun buying things with Jeff and the gal at the Isabella Rosellini counter, I couldn't shake it. I needed to buy another small something for Esther's little girl Andrea, and I had planned on getting one of those solid perfume compacts from Este Lauder for my Mama so I decided that I would just suck up all my resentment and go back to the mean perfume lady and give her the sales. It wasn't easy to do. First of all she was really surprised and awkward about it. I think she didn't understand why I was being nice when she had been so mean. But we got through it and in the end she was so nice and grateful that she gave me a gift with purchase that I didn't earn, a gold bracelet and hoop earrings with rhinestones, that will be another nice present for Esther. So the moral of the story is, sometimes it's good to be nice to people who are grumpy, it feels a hell of a lot better than resenting them.

I'm working my way up towards being able to be this way for my ex and his family. Obviously it's much harder to do because the pain is so deep but I swear I'm working on it. Then there's always the catch of not being a complete doormat or making myself too vulnerable to people. That happened the other night when I arrived a few minutes after my pharmacy had closed and begged the pharmacist to hand the prescription tome through the door. It had already been paid for and bagged and all he had to do was just hand it over. He surprised me by changing his mind and I was so grateful that I went to hug him, which pissed him off no end, and he pushed me back and said, "I don't want a hug! I want you to respect my time!!" Which was a fair thing to ask but not in such a mean shaming way. The way I felt though is what hurt. I felt like a little girl being told off by my Daddy, so I started crying. It wasn't pretty.

Esther told me about a saying that they have in Spanish; Lo que no puede ver, en su casa lo ha de tener.
Which literally translates to, that which you can't look at, will be in your own house. It all boils down to don't cast stones or take another persons inventory, because you are just as fallible as the next person. In my experience, any time I have judged someone, the Universe magically switches things around so that I get to experience those shortcomings from my own perspective and develop empathy for them. I try so hard not to judge now, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Good luck with your Christmas, Hanukkah, Quanza and any other holiday shopping.
Love you guys,

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