Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Cancer, Television, Halloween, and A Couple of Friendly Geese

I'm home in bed watching another cheery documentary called Sexy Cancer Chick about a young woman diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. It's very moving and the woman who wrote, directed, and stars in it, is so friendly, upbeat and vivacious -- she's just incredibly likeable, like my friend Mary. And of course anything like this certainly makes me feel so grateful for the semi-good health I do have; the life I have, the promise of a future, no matter how uncertain it might be due to unforeseeable circumstances, but God it's so much better to have this freedom. It must really suck to wake up every day and have to think about Cancer, to be burdened with the constant monitoring and worry -- having to think all the time about medications, blood, cell growth, and mortality, to say nothing of feeling crappy from medications.

It breaks my heart that people have to live like this. I mean I'm so thrilled that medicine has advanced to the point where people can buy so much time for themselves, but so sad that they have to endure such toxic regimens in order to do so, and all the while knowing they may not have the opportunity to grow old and grey. I keep reading articles about all of the advancements that are "just around the corner" and hoping the people I love can just hang on until then.

Will Scott be able to live long enough for there to be enough advancements in medicine to heal his crooked spine and prevent him from getting the cancer that has killed off every single member of his immediate family, or that he risks getting whenever he smokes? Is it really possible to work on the Like Attracts Like principle espoused by The Secret and think ourselves well, thereby keeping these kinds of illnesses at bay, or envisioning a cure for anything we develop into being?

Will we live long enough for stem cell research in other more enlightened countries to have reached a point where we can grow replacement organs, or find ways to inject ourselves with microscopic semi-organic robots that can root around through our systems and repair damages so that I won't ever have to worry about anyone I love having to suffer and die. Will it happen in time for Beau, Scott or me? And what's so bad about dying anyway? I kind of like the idea of it for me. I just don't want anyone I care about to go away while I'm still here -- selfish I know, but there it is.

This is a pretty wonderful documentary despite my recent lack of balance in what I've been choosing to watch on television lately. Forget the news though, just forget it. I do like watching anything edifying and educational, things that help me become a better, more compassionate person, but sitting here thinking about Mom, Mary and Betsy, with my pinched nerve in my neck sending these weird painful electrical vibrations down my arm and into my index and middle fingers, weak from weight loss from consuming so much less food than I am accustomed to, while occasionally blowing my nose from this miserable cold, I don't know if this is what I should be watching right now.

It's just that I recorded it so long ago and this whole DVR storage thing makes me anxious. I feel as if I have to watch everything I record and erase it before I hit some data filled television computer chip level and end up losing anything dear to me at the whim of this machine. As I said, I've been saving this for a long time and I have to watch it some time. So far I've already heard an oncologist tell this lovely woman whose story this is that treatment is like a chess game between the tumors she has and the toxic medications they can give her to fight the tumors, hmmm... Watching and waiting for the tumors to make the first move. Having to embrace the fact that she has slow moving stage four cancer. This is exactly what is happening to my Mother.

"With cancer every little action feels potentially dangerous. Would a cough ever be just a cough? Sometimes I miss just being able to just tune out. We can't always live in the fire. You know we're human beings -- we need to escape a little bit and I feel like with cancer you don't have that opportunity."
--Kris Carr

Well, I've already watched Weeds, Dexter, and Tell Me That You Love Me, which has a lot of graphic sex but is also pretty burdened with heavy relationship issues so that leaves Californication and America's Next Top Model. I think I'll stick with this for now and then I'll wrap up my night-off in bed with Kleenex, a blanket, and a six pack of cats, while watching something light and funny.

Halloween-wise I've managed to get myself to do a wee bit of work towards the end goal every day, and I feel pretty good about this. Despite feeling utterly crappy I was able to hang up several dozen bats, a couple of scary animatronic head things, decorated the bird cage and the Halloween Tree, put some of my paper collectibles in their case by the door, placed some light up skulls along a walkway, hung up some more paper lanterns on the porch, and organized a few other things. Not a lot, but enough for someone with a virus cold thing.

Anyway, what I really wanted to do was share these pictures so I can move on to Halloween;

Lake Balboa

This is a small lake in the valley near where Scott lives. We took a nice walk here the other night. I discovered it years ago before they modernized everything and fixed it up. I preferred it before; wild and natural. But it's still beautiful.

There is this enormous dam that you can see as you approach the valley from the 405 freeway. It once was filled with water but now has been completely reclaimed. Part of it was set aside as a nature preserve and park. About a week or so after my surgery, and just when Scott was about to begin to start his new job, I thought it would be good for both of us to get out and take a walk there. It was a lot of fun and a good idea.

Sparklers At the Park

This was the first shot I took that day. I love photographing children, but because I worry their parents might think I'm some kind of freaky stalker, I get a bit shy and snap the shots too quickly, and not with an entirely steady hand as you can certainly see here. But it was a lovely moment -- this little girl playing with her now illegal sparkler. Sparklers remind me of magic and faeries and my childhood so I still like the picture despite the lack of focus.

Park Pathway

This was the beginning of our walk. The sun was starting to set making everything green turn to gold. It was lovely.

Geese Friends At the Park One

And here finally are our little love birds, the geese who adopted us for about an hour -- one wonderful hour. These geese were sooooo cool and the highlight of my week. Scott and I had just begun walking along the trail and were making our way to the lake when my keen animal protective senses spotted some kids hassling these geese.

I just have a kind of radar for this kind of thing, and so sick as I was feeling, I limped on over there to give them hell. After they left we resumed our walk, but shortly after this a little boy chased them back towards us. We told him to stop bothering them and from that moment on they became our best friends, following us like golden retrievers. It was amazing and so much fun. They just tagged along beside us for our entire walk, going everywhere we went, stopping every once in a while to nibble on some grass, but if we got too far out of our site they'd come running with those cute webbed feet.

Geese Friends At the Park Twp

People were actually asking us if they were our "pets." I hated leaving them behind, but I know the life they have is better than anything I could provide for them. I'm just worried that they've become too dependent and trusting and people can be mean and dangerous sometimes. Still, I so loved being able to reach down and pet a goose walking by my side. And they were so soft and had such terrific little goosey personalities.

So that's it for tonight. I have some eBay sellers to try to put at ease because I was expecting some money today that should hopefully come super soon. And then it's all comedy all night, and cat cuddling.

Love You,

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