Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Hi Everybody,

Happy Christmas!

Was it nice for you? Mine was mixed. I loved giving things to people. I'm a big Christmas lover, the best part is always the little things that you can't plan for. Sweet unexpected things like sitting in the back of my Jeep with my assistant/pal Esther, wrapping all of the big coffee table books I got for my Mom, eating pears and nuts, and sharing them with the squirrels. They were so cute they'd come running up and we'd throw them a piece of fruit or some nuts and they'd take a bite, roll it around in their hands a bit and then run off. hide it, and come right back. Very normal squirrel behavior but joyous for me nevertheless.

I bought my ferrets a little Fisher Price baby piano thing. I thought they would like pushing the buttons and listening to the music, but they always like the boxes and tubes that things come in, more than the things themselves. We wrapped it so they could have fun unwrapping it. It's so cute they keep pressing the keys so I keep hearing this little electronic tune over and over again.

Twinkle kitty's favorite toy is the little plastic wrap that goes around the mouth of the Snapple bottle. You could buy him the coolest cat toys around, but nothing will do it for him like that little piece of plastic wrap. He fetches it. He'll toss it in the air and bite it and run around. In the morning he brings it up onto the bed and throws it at me so I'll toss it for him, then he jumps off the bed, scampers over to wherever it's landed, runs over to the littler box or his bowl, drops it in there, picks it back up and then runs right back to the bed and drops it by my hand. Sometimes he only half runs to the litterbox before turning around and coming back to the bed. I don't really know what that's all about. He's only the third cat I've had who fetches. I save the Snapple plastic wrappers for him now. Some of my other kitties like OB tampons, but that can get embarrassing when they run off with one and hide it somewhere, and it winds up falling into someone's lap or something. I don't want people thinking I'm that careless with my tampons. Hmm, let's see, where shall I toss this one, oh I know, over here by the fireplace.

Scott was sick throughout the holiday so that was sad for him and sad for us. He couldn't spend very much time with us and didn't have much energy or money for gift buying, and was really heavy and depressed. He gave Beau a nice gift which was nice. I know he couldn't help it but I really needed his company and help and it just didn't work out. I was surprised that Noemi and Esther gave him such generous gifts when they have so little. I was very grateful to them. I had a lot of fun buying things for him.

Oh and for my friend and therapist Susan I put together a basket of bath goodies. That was a lot of fun, chocolate soap, candles, face scrub, Japanese luxury items, Pez, that kind of thing. No one is better or kinder at receiving gifts than she is. It gives me such joy to give things to her because she calls me every day and thanks me for every little thing and describes how she used them or how they made her happy. Receiving something well, being loving and gracious about it, is just as important as giving. I don't give gifts to be thanked. I give them to make people feel happy and loved, but it's so nice to be thanked and feel appreciated. It means so much to me.

Christmas Eve at my parent's wasn't as bad as it could have been. My Mother was pretty calm and accepting, didn't boss or control. I was so grateful. Normally she just can't stop directing everyone. Scott pointed out how she gives directions totally apropos of nothing that is currently going on. It's so frustrating. Everyone will be engaged with one particular thing and she just starts telling us to do something else in this unbelievably tense, demanding, panicked way. God, argh!

I worked my ass off for Beau's Christmas. He got pretty much everything he asked for. His two main wants were these ridiculously expensive Nike shoes, you know the Bounce ones that are plastered all over the billboards? I managed to pull that off and get him the big aquarium. He was totally surprised in both cases, and when he saw the aquarium he started crying. It was so sweet.

My favorite present was a calendar he made for me.

My favorite part of Christmas was when Esther, Eduardo, Andrea and Noemi came over. It was the closest feeling I had to the happy family feeling I used to have on Christmas when all of my in-laws would come over. I miss them so much. Beau went over there Christmas afternoon. I ran away to a movie, Castaway, and the theatre was packed. It was so painful when I spoke with Beau later on the phone. He asked to stay longer, which of course I agreed to, but my heart was so torn up about it, I could hear everyone in the background laughing and having fun. To not be able to be there with them, to not see them, to not be able to smell my sister-in-law's beautiful curly hair, is so painful, it's hard to describe. Of course R. was his usual cold and stiff and far, far away. He had said that they said they, my in-laws, want to get together with me but I don't know how to do that.

At the movie I thought an old friend of mine who is a very famous film actor/director, came in and sat one row behind me and to my right. It was so weird. I was convinced it was him. I kept trying to peek at him without being obvious. All through the movie I kept thinking I should just go over at the end, before he leaves and give him a hug and ask for his help. He was kind to me the last time I saw him, invited me to go bowling with him. Of course now he's even more famous and who knows how he'd act. I know he'd remember me, he thought I was a good actor, we were in plays together, but I just hate the idea of being in that humbling position of asking for help. Everyone must ask him. The one thing that I really remember about why he always got ahead was that he believed in himself and had no problem asking for things he wanted. He'd go right up to the professors and tell them he wanted lead roles. He was so brave and I know that helped him. I admire him for how he set goals and achieved them. I've always been fear based. It's my biggest failing. It's no surprise considering my background, but God how I wish I'd been or would be braver. I'll make it my New year's goal.

Well, I have more to tell you about yesterday but this has gone on long enough already so I'll stop here.

OMG Inside edition is on and there is a woman who had been stabbed in the neck and she felt something but didn't know she had a knife sticking out of her as she walked away. She went shopping like that and no one noticed or helped her. She only noticed it when she went home and saw it in the mirror. Then she went to the hospital. Okay and now there's a guy with a big hunting knife sticking out of his head. God.

Well, tell me about your holidays you guys, or I'll read about them on your pages.

I'm going to mail out some scary payments, pick up a playmate of Beau's and go see Miss Congeniality. I'm a little worried about Scott. I hope he's okay. Noemi is sick now. So far I've been pretty lucky, knock wood. I'm thinking it's the oxygen water I've been drinking.

Love you,

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