I haven't logged in a while because I've been sick and stressed. I got stuck in Palm Springs with a really awful stomach or intestinal flu. I've been stressed because I have a big loan on a building I own in Palm Springs and the loan is in default because I'm so far behind in my payments. I can't believe I've done this to myself, and I'm so scared I might lose my building, The income from the rent on this building is how I live, this is why I don't have to work a nine to five job like I used to for so many years. I don't know why or how I was so stupid as to let my payments get so far behind. I kept thinking I'd be able to get the money together and pay the late fees and be okay but as fall rolled into winter and Christmas came along I just never managed to get the money together.
I've been working with a couple different loan companies to try to get some hard money lenders to buy off the loan and pay off all of the fees and hopefully I would be able to come away with a little money to be able to finally pay Coco and get her off my back and have a little money to put in the bank so I would be able to pay my bills. The one loan that might come through will just barely save my butt. They want ten points, which means they will get ten thousand dollars or more just to do the loan, then there's an additional five thousand dollar fee to the broker who hooked us up, then there's fifteen percent interest, which means for the measly two years that the loan will go for I will only be paying interest and then have to figure out some kind of miracle when the loan comes due in order to pay it or roll it over to someone else. I won't get any more money than the minimum I need to save my building, if I get that, and it isn't a sure thing. I had to send them a thousand dollars for the appraisal on the building and there's a chance it might not appraise at the value I need it to, in order for them to do the loan.
My Mother supports me, she owns the house I live in, she pays my bills, she manages my income from the money I inherited from my grandmother. She controls everything very, very, tightly because she is afraid I would do something stupid like put a loan on a building and then lose it. I can't tell her I've done this because she is eighty five years old and it would kill her. It would also put our tenuous relationship in jeopardy. I already put a loan on this building once and when she found out about it she paid the whole thing off immediately and still hasn't forgiven me. To find out that I had done the same thing again would not only destroy the little faith she may still have in me, but would put my entire inheritance at stake.
So you can see I'm feeling pretty fucked.
I had a loan deal that I thought would come through with some lenders in Palm Springs but it turned out they were just playing games with me. I think they talked with the original lender and he somehow convinced them not to do it because of course he makes a huge profit if my building gets sold, they only loaned me a small portion of it's value, maybe 35-40% so if I default they get to sell it and keep all the proceeds, which means a nice big profit for them, and a total loss of income for me. I would be screwed beyond belief and my Mother would never forgive me. So March 8th is the deadline for me to come up with $11,500.00 and after that and before April 1st it would go up by another thousand. If I manage to somehow come up with all of that money by then I will be able to cure the default and if I don't then I lose my building. That's why I'm hoping to find another lender who will just take the whole thing over and let me assign the rents to them so I'll never get behind again. It's a nightmare but I'm still hopeful that I'll pull this off somehow, I always have before. But the stress is killing me.
In the meantime I owe God knows how much money to people on Ebay, because like an idiot I shop when I'm stressed about money, it's the same with eating, I eat when I'm unhappy about my weight, makes a lot of sense doesn't it? Well, that's why I'm seeing a psychiatrist, only she doesn't know how to help me other than to prescribe medication, great. Today I have to do some fancy finagling in order to cover the thousand dollar check I had to write to the appraiser and a twelve hundred dollar check I need to Fedex to a loan company in Beverly Hills where all of my jewelry and silver are about to be sold because I'm so behind on the loans on them.
So there you have it, my ugly financial situation, but I swear I'll get out of this somehow. It helps so much to know that I can write about this and you'll read it and just your positive thoughts will make this better. Hold a positive thought for me, will you?
Esther says that she thinks things get tight and scary during lent. She said that in Mexico people stock up on food and supplies before lent so that in case there is any kind of emergency they'll be taken care of. I never heard that before. I kind of think whatever people are collectively focusing on will come true so perhaps if everyone thinks that then it causes it to happen. I'm hoping you guys will picture me with my hands full of money. Okay well I have to go do scary things at the bank, wish me luck.
Love you guys,