Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

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Well, my loan situation is slowly grinding to it's long delayed conclusion, it's by no means settled but it feels like it's moving in that direction. No respite for me yet. It's going to twist my heart in it's unforgiving fist until the last second. I've kind of adapted to the stress. Now I have another appraiser going over to look at the building. All the men I've ever dealt with over this, are always so thrilled to have to go see a nude bar. "Oh darn honey, I wanted to stay home tonight and talk about the value of honesty in our relationship, but I've got this, uh, work thing I have to go take care of."

Well, we're closing in on my annual, See-All-Of-The-Oscar-Nominated-Films, challenge. All I have left is Before Night Must Fall and Quills and I'll pick those up tonight and tomorrow. Oh actually I missed the film that Ellyn Burstyn is nominated for, and sadly I never get to see the shorts, although I always want to. I think the DGA has a screening of them but I never know when it is.

I got sad when I had to speak with my, I-don't-know-when-the-hell-he'll-ever-be-my ex today. It was a real party and a half listening to him tell me that his nineteen year old girlfriend (he's forty) is the most mature woman he's ever been involved with. I can't believe how creepy and depressing that is. I know I shouldn't judge him for that, it isn't fair, it's just that it hurts. (I was in love with a guy in Oingo Boingo when I was eighteen, he was forty, but he was the one who didn't want to get involved with someone so much younger.) R. told me that she is so good for him and then proceeded to tell me all of the things he's willing to do now, (like reading) due to her good example. It's so heartbreaking to love someone so much and have them start to finally grow up but because of, or for someone else. Now I understand this overly intense friendship he had with this high school girl a long time ago. She was a fencer and I always had this feeling that something was going on but I though, no he couldn't be interested in a little girl like that. Of course he could.
Frankly, who wasn't he interested in? On our wedding day he kept teasing my maid of honor by unzipping the back of her dress, what was that? Then a few years later when he as really drunk one night he tried to screw my best friend, with me right in the other room. He tried to kiss another friend of mine when we were just dating. On my birthday once, when we were all hanging out in the Jacuzzi naked, he waited till I got out, and my friend's boyfriend got out, then ducked under the water and swam over to her puss and tried to eat her out. Man what a jerk he was. Why was I so tenacious? I think I must be incredibly devoted and loyal, I'm like a glue-woman or something, all the signs were there, he treated me like dirt and I just hung on and took it, over and over again.

Still it hurts so much to see him outside in his car smiling when he comes to pick up Beau. He's so mean to me sometimes, he doesn't help us in any way, and he's so poor that he's taking a trip to Louisville Kentucky to direct a fencing tournament, and then he's going to New York to be with his girlfriend, grrrrr. (Not just girlfriend grrrr, but spending money to travel to see his teenage girlfriend while we are struggling, grrrrr.) Beau told me she looks like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice, that young. Great. I so want to lose a hundred pounds so I'll look great and then he'll be sorry because he can't have me. Isn't that pathetic? Rejection after so long, so much life lived together, is such a bitch.

None of this makes sense to me because I cheated on him. I was very much in love with my current partner before he left. I love my man now. I just was conjoined with Robby and I don't really know why. I can guess but it doesn't really help. I'm still stuck with all of these feelings. My Mother says, "Get over it," yeah thanks, that's compassionate, no problem, I'll just order up a glass of, Get-Over-It, from the room service menu. You know what else is sad? No matter how hurt or angry I am about all of it, I can't stand for him to feel badly about himself. When he says something defeatist to me on the phone, I feel sorry for him. Then I have to remind myself that he must be sociopathic to behave the way he does, and it's all just an act of some kind. How can I ever feel sorry for someone who would rather jaunt around the country and continue to live with his Mother, than get his own place and create a little space for his son? Blech, I hate talking about this painful stuff. It always comes up for me when he comes to get Beau though, and Thursdays is come get Beau night.

Okay, off we go to see Before Night Falls, oh shoot I forgot the Vampire movie, I have to see that too. Darn these Academy Awards. I want to be a part of this so badly, I've spent my entire life dreaming of it.

Big Hugs to all of you,

PS: If you want to see a picture of my favorite naturist (naked) resort in Palm Springs just click on the responses to this post, I put a couple of pictures of it in there.

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