Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

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Okay, well, I'm actually sitting here watching Howard Stern's Guess Who's the Transsexual, because I need the diversion. Things go from high to low and back again so quickly in my life, that I'm actually grateful to be sitting here watching this sexist show. I think I'm going to be okay but, Oh My God you guys, this has easily been the most stressful few months of my life. I don't know if I'm going to be able to save my building, my main source of income. My blood pressure is through the roof, my blood sugar levels are all messed up, I feel like a walking cyst girl, everything hurts and my bladder is so messed up that I have to pee every twenty minutes or sooner. Pretty isn't it?

Remember I told you that I had settled my loan nightmare by agreeing to take much less that I needed? I met with the lender last Wednesday and signed papers that night. She came to my house. She seemed so kind and understanding and after she left I felt this rush of relief. I felt like I could breather for the first time since January. I've been a wreck over all of this.

Anyway tomorrow is the last day to pay the original lenders all of the money that I owe them, (when you fall behind on your payments your property goes into foreclosure, there are all kinds of additional fees, and it just becomes impossible to catch up), which is about twelve and a half thousand dollars. If I could do that, the original lenders would have to keep my loan in place, allowing me to continue to make my monthly payments to them until it expires. But after tomorrow, if I don't come up with the money, then I have to come up with one hundred and some thousand dollars to pay off the entire loan or they will sell my building to the highest bidder, on the steps of the county court house, one week later.

The woman who agreed to loan the money to me, to pay off this loan, told me that the whole thing would be handled by Thursday or Friday of this week and I'd have a check in my hand by then. Considering how often things have fallen apart with this thing, I thought I'd give her a call on Monday to make sure everything was moving along as planned. I've been working on this nonstop since February and been told so many different stories by appraisers and lenders that I just don't know who to trust anymore. I can't go to my Mother, it would just kill her, but first she'd kill me. Trust me when I say that I'd rather be stung by a thousand bees than have to tell my Mother I put a loan on this property and am about to lose it without her help. My Mother hasn't forgiven me for my being kept back in kindergarten, she's still mad at me for not losing weight during lent, like my friend Theresita Vitale did in third grade, believe me she's not going to be able to handle this. So I called the loan gal on Monday and she told me we'd hit a small snag but not to worry. The appraiser who was supposed to have gone out to the property last Thursday or Friday, as a formality, to confirm the value of the property, had decided that he couldn't do it. Without the appraisal there was no loan, signed papers or not. She told me that she didn't want me to worry, that she had another appraiser and he was going out to the building that day and everything would be fine. I asked her to call me that night and let me know what was happening. I didn't hear from her Monday or Tuesday and finally this morning I held my breath and called.

Today when I spoke with one of the brokers, she told me that everything was fine, but that the appraiser she lined up on Monday had let us down, and that if I could just hang in there till next Wednesday, the day before I will lose my building for good, she'd have another appraiser out there and everything would be just fine. I freaked! I mean I'm just one day away from losing the ability to renew my loan. She told me we'd have a conference call in an hour with the other broker, the one who had come to my house. I sat here in my office staring at my knees for an hour and a half and then called the other broker myself. She told me that she knew I was worried, that I didn't need to be, that she had found another appraiser who promised her he could get her the figure she needed, but wouldn't be able to go out there until next Tuesday. I told her that I felt like the world's biggest schmuck and that I couldn't understand how she could do this to me. I told her that Tuesday would be too late and I burst out crying. She said that she was in contact with the original lenders and would have them call me and tell me that they were going to give us a few more days. I told her I'd believe it when I saw it. She said to relax and that when I got home tonight it would be resolved.

Well, I was so worried I was shaking, and went out with my stomach in knots. I had a therapy appointment at three, and then I had to pick up Beau and his friend, take them to an early dinner at Soup Plantation and then get them over to his pal's apartment, where we were going to finish up this damned science project. Believe me, I wasn't looking forward to it. Spending any amount of time with his edgy, flash-point-angry, pseudo-spiritual Mother with a migraine, wasn't exactly my idea of a stress reducing evening. But then again it's always fun to square off with a nut who tells her son, "This is my fucking house and I'm not going to come into your room, just because someone tells me to!" Well, since I was the someone who had innocently asked her son, to ask the volcano queen, to come in to explain something to us, I figured I'd better go out there and handle things. I guess I shouldn't have interrupted her candlelit, Tom-Cruise-video-interlude, to ask her to help her son achieve the unreasonable goal she'd set for all of us.

We almost came to blows, but I managed to keep everyone in their corners long enough to get this thing done in a fairly mediocre way. I think she was relieved that she didn't scare us off, and after that she became kind of overly friendly (which for her means she went back to talking about herself again) to make up for the weirdness, but I don't plan on ever putting myself in a situation like that again. I've lived through way too much to have to put up with abuse from someone who isn't even a friend. My heart goes out to her little boy though. I had kind of thought he was a sneaky little guy, but I think I've been wrong, he's just this little kid dealing with way too much pressure. I feel so sorry for him, but having him over means dealing with her, and she is just too over the top volatile for me, plus all she cares about is herself, so no thanks. I get more than enough grief from the people I love. Last night my boyfriend told me he was jealous when he saw me kiss one of my cats. God, I just don't think I can take any more.

Luckily, or predictably, when I came home tonight there was a message from the broker saying she'd worked things out, the lenders are going to advance the money to me to keep the original lenders from selling my building. She said they had wired money to their account and we'd be okay for the few more days it would take to settle all of this. I want desperately to believe that everything will work out but I'm afraid to. I've been riding this seesaw for so long now that I've gotten used to it.

I actually wrote another six paragraphs after this, but it was so maudlin and personal I couldn't bring myself to take the risk it would take to post it. I'm just doing a lot of thinking about love and relationships and wondering if I'll ever be happy, that's all.

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