Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,
Jacqui
jacqui

Oops I forgot to take my birth control pill. You know I'm beginning to like it. I like the cramps I'm getting. I know it sounds weird but it lets me know I'm alive and it makes me feel like something is going on, like my body is doing something to get rid of those poor blighted ovums, is that what they are blighted ovums? The cysty things? I can't wait for my skin to clear up.

Jay Leno keeps trying to get the New Jersey tourist board operators to come on the air with him but they keep being rude and hanging up on him. Any time I hear anything about New jersey it's like this electric shock collar to my system. Bzzzzz, you're adopted. It seems so weird to me that my genetic background resides in the bodies of people who live there and don't want to have anything to do with me. My Birth-Mother is such a liar, it breaks my heart that my sister believes her, that I'm this rape child and that my Mother doesn't know who my father was. I loved her for so long, now I see her as this petty hurtful monster. Why would my sisters or brother want to have anything to do with me now that she came up with the perfect story to keep them disinterested, I'm half rapist, yuck.

I'm sitting here looking at all of this biographical data she filled out about my supposed anonymous rapist father for my adoption file. I wonder how she knew so much about him since he was just some random date rapist she never saw before or after, someone whose name she doesn't remember, someone she can't even describe or say how she met. Do you think she asked him his height, age, weight, hair color, eye color, college education level, place of birth and family history while he was anonymously raping her, and then promptly forgot about it. She also writes that she notified him of her pregnancy and he refused to help. Do you think she called Mr. Rapist on the phone, maybe she looked him up under R. in the New Jersey phone book. I know I sound really insensitive and detached, especially while talking about rape, but I deserve to know the true circumstances of my birth, and if my father is still alive I should have the right to know who he is.

I have three reports from people who witnessed her crying and showing them a newspaper clipping someone had sent from home, a wedding announcement for this man who had fathered me. My mother was crying and told the nurse that it was so hurtful to her that here she was having this man's baby and there he was announcing his impending marriage. This info corresponds with the information I got from Sacramento that said my father married several weeks after my birth. I really feel for her, I do, he was obviously such a total jerk. She has every right to hate him, but to lie to me, to tell me that I am the child of a rape, to keep me from ever knowing any of my blood relatives is unacceptably cruel. How can my sister believe her? It hurts so much.

Heh, it just occurred to me that I told my psychiatrist she could read my journal and that it would probably be helpful for her in diagnosing me. I'm thinking this will be a perfect example of how I go from Fuck the Chinese to gee isn't life lovely, where I even use a picture from Pollyanna, to here are some places to go to help Tibet to New Jersey and my rape story.

Maybe I'll just end by saying I took a big quick sip of apple juice and accidentally tipped the whole thing back so far that the ice cold juice sloshed out of the sides and around my mouth and ran down between my breasts.

Off to pee.

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