Jacqui (jacqui) wrote,

Damn I can't sleep. I got up to take a couple puffs of this inhaler I got for this horrible flu cold chest thingy I've got. But of course the inhaler kind of revs me up and then I really won't be able to sleep so I took another half of a Klonopin, Dr. Solsky's favorite medication. I feel like Judy Garland. I worry about taking drugs for sleep, I don't want to become dependant on them, but I am so aware of how important sleep is to my overall help, and I definitely suffer from a major sleep deficit/disorder. If I'm not doing everything possible to delay sleep, I'm up peeing every hour or two, and then there are the cats and the alarm problem, but thank God we've finally got that sorted out.

I thought I was getting better, argh. I don't sleep as well when Beau is sleeping with me. Although I LOVE my little monkey-man, and it's so nice to sleep beside him, he's also a monster at night. He talks in his sleep and kicks at the covers and gets really meanish just before he falls asleep and of course I'm the queen of the vibrating sensitive feelings so it's just a mess. Oh and of course all of the cats tried to squeeze into the room with us tonight and I tried to kind of keep them back at the door but a good lot of them squeezed through. I thought, oh well poor little things, let them sleep with us, but then of course that means lots of growling and chasing and tumbling under, around, and over the bed, while the cats who normally sleep with me and live in my room, duke it out for territory with the new invader kitties.

I have this pager that has a little mini-typewriter/keypad attached to it, and my partner has one too, so we can communicate with each other. After all of these years I've finally found a reasonable solution for how maddening it is for him that I just kind of flit about from place to place and am hard to reach. When I woke up this morning, swamped as I'd been with sex dreams, I called him and told him how much I wanted him, I thought he'd like that, and I think he did, but then later in the day he wrote back and said he wasn't ready to just jump into bed with me. I know he didn't really mean anything by that, other than that he was super tired and would rather just go home and crash from work, and I tried to be very understanding and pragmatic about it, but still it stung somehow. I can be such a baby about things like this. It's unfair because if he wants me and I'm not in the mood I simply expect him to accept this without being hurt or having a problem with it, while conversely if I want him and he doesn't want to I take it way too personally and get insecure and hurt. That's not fair is it? I hate to admit this but if I were a guy this might be one of those moments where I would go, "harumph, women."

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